Well it looks like reality has kicked me in the face. I know I have been writing about being on chemo forever. However, there was a substantial part of me that has been living in lala land thinking I would get a 6 month break sometime, or I might be lucky enough to get off treatment. However, I see the Oasis I created for myself and it has just disappeared as mirages do.
I was at treatment on Friday and they are starting to think about giving me a periodic break from treatment due to my level of extreme fatigue. I brushed it off saying the “bee sting” shot would fix it all. And yes it will help but they think my body just needs a rest.
After my appointment I thought about it more and called my dr over. I asked her what’s the longest break I would get, ever. She said that she wouldn’t want to go too much farther than 2 months. Consider everything in my world shaken apart. All the hope I had desperately been holding on disappearing through my fingers. It took a few hours to process that and what the RN had said earlier on the day. She had said “With the treatment you are on, you will always be on treatment or things will grow again”. Reality shock when you combine the two statements.
Suddenly I realized that this really is as good as it gets. It doesn’t get any better for me. Each treatment will get harder and harder. Each treatment will take more and more from my body. Breaks periodically will help and will increase the quality of life. However, they increase the risk of my body attacking itself again. There is no winning in this. There is no happy ending.
And now I am starting to see the truth of it. I am starting to really understand what I am facing. There is still a small part of me that is hoping for a good outcome, but now I can see how unlikely that is. I need to see the reality. I need to deal with it. I need to come to grips with it. However, I just don’t have the strength in me much more.
I am hoping this shot gives me more energy, gives me the ability to go out and enjoy the world around me. I am hoping I can come to grips with this quickly and with the least amount of pain to myself. I am hoping I can see the light again soon. I am hoping that I am able to keep seeing the value of fighting. I am hoping I can make the best possible decisions. These are all decisions with either great payouts or horrible consequences. I keep hoping life will get easier. I keep hoping I will be able to get up on the back of a horse again. I keep hoping that I can find new and fun things to do.
I keep hoping that come tomorrow afternoon, I will start coming back to myself. That this gloom will clear out. I keep hoping that I will be able to make my kid roll her eyes when I come up with new ways to annoy her.
Hoping is getting harder. Hoping is taking more energy. I keep hoping for God to let me know His grand plan through this. I keep hoping He will take mercy on me. I keep hoping.
There isn’t much hope to go around, not like there used to be. However, it is still there. And please forgive me if I do not have the hope you want to see in me. Right now I do not have much to spare. Right now the tank is sitting pretty low. But I will be honest with you. I will shrug and say “I am still fighting” because I am. I will give you a shoulder if you need it. But it is easier to hope for others than to hope for myself. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for loving me no matter what.