Perhaps I am turning a new leaf. Perhaps I am starting to adapt to the world as it actually is, vs how it was before. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
The down days are getting less and farther apart. The optimism is starting to return. I look at my life and see so much I want to change. My attitude has not always been the best. I have not taken advantage of opportunities that I had at my finger tips. I have been allowing fear to prevent me from taking steps towards improving my life.
Life is so precious and in the past I have been treating it as something that was out of my control. There was always an excuse as to why I didn’t do something. There was always an excuse as to why I would stay in unhappy arrangements. There was an excuse as to why I wouldn’t make my life better.
Now those excuses are like farts in the wind to me. They hold no substance, they stink and are not worth the effort to maintain. (Okay, I do not know how I would maintain a fart, but just go with it)
I have used these excuses to prevent taking risks where I had a chance of failing. But no more. Now I want to take those risks.
The first one I took, started a few weeks ago. I am taking kiddo on vacation to Hawaii. Before all this hit, I would have made excuses about not being able to afford it. I would have convinced myself that something so grand was out of my reach. And yes, financially it is a bit tight, but I do not care. I feel no guilt about it. She and I are going to go and have the time of our lives. We are going to make memories that nothing can take away from us. It is going to be a life changing event for her and I can not wait to see it happen. I can’t wait to experience the trip myself. I selfishly can’t wait to experience what I hear is one of the most beautiful places on the earth.
Weight is something else I look at changing. The surgery created extra “flesh” where I do not want it. I have always struggled with weight. But now I hear my excuses as to not working on it and they again are drifting in the wind. I am trying to periodically start a new improvement every couple of weeks. I am not doing the cold turkey, hard on the body, method. I am going to slowly change my lifestyle. My body has been through enough terrible things. It doesn’t need me putting it through more torture.
And there are other areas I am trying to improve. I am trying to make life into what it should be rather than what I have settled for.
There are things that I do not want to change. I feel that my relationship with my daughter is a good one. One that is open and honest. Many may not agree with the methods I use with her but they work. I am starting to see proof as to how my openness and honesty has worked with her. She is willing to talk to me about anything. She isn’t afraid to come to me with problems or concerns.
Also I am blessed with my Knight. He is a glowing star that is constant. His wonderful nature makes me want to be better. I can not express enough how much he means to me. He is one of the greatest blessing that has come from the trials of the recent past. And I can not thank him enough.
So I see my life as this huge picture. One that has so many blank spots due to my past fears. This fear is not going to prevent me from living a life that makes me and those I love most, happy. I am excited to see where life goes. I am excited to see what happens when the fear doesn’t run my life any more.