Hypocrite I am

I am such a hypocrite.

On Friday at my Kiddo’s riding lesson she fell off her horse.  It was the first time it had happened to her.  See me dashing over to her, seeing that everything is okay.  Then I start encouraging her to get back on the horse.  As the old adage goes, get back on the horse.  I bribed her, I encouraged her, I did everything I could to get her tush up in that saddle.

The adage is true, at least with horseback riding, that if you do not get right up in that saddle, the likelihood is much less that you will ever do it.

She did get back up that saddle and even rode up to a trot.  I was so very proud of her!  The instructor then stated that a person isn’t considered a horseback rider till they have fallen off the horse 5 times.

So here I am, proud that my little girl got back up in the saddle, while a few days ago I was having an emotional temper tantrum that I didn’t want to be back on my theoretical horse Optimism.

I wanted to sit here wallowing in the dirt crying that I am scared and dreading the future.  I wanted to be coddled and told it was okay.  My horse Optimism seemed so high and so scary to fall off again.

But life is falling and getting back up.  And the adage is right, the longer you take to get back up in that saddle, the less likely you are.  Fear and pessimism take hold and do not want to let go.

I am still climbing up into the saddle.  But at least I am not on the ground any more!




Giddy Up Horsey

So I have fallen off the horse of optimism.  Yesterday saw me running the other way.

Yesterday I met with my GI doctor.  She is this sweet, happy lady that is about my age.  She looks at me and goes “So you have had an eventful year.  We are still wondering why someone your age is in this predicament.”  I just shrug and go “I know, right?”

I was meeting with her to schedule my next colonoscopy.  This is the one where we find out if everything is clean and happy.  We get to find out if all the work from the past year has done its job.  This is the one where we get to find out if I have to go through it again.

It is a daunting concept to know that a procedure in two weeks could change everything.  I am scared. I am scared of being taken into the little room where they tell the bad news.  I am scared of what might result from the potential bad news.  I couldn’t sleep last night I was so scared.

But I am scared and planning for stuff that might not happen.  As I was kindly reminded last night, I am paying interest on something that hasn’t and probably won’t happen.  My brain is fretting over things completely out of my control.  I am stressing over things that might not even  happen.  So how do I stop it?

Cognitive Behavior Therapy or CBT for short is one of my most useful tools.  It includes meditation, isolating emotions and calling an Ace and Ace.  Admitting what is out of my control and letting it go.  Admitting which items of stress are future events that haven’t even occurred and letting them go.  Acknowledging that this stinks and move on.  And when I admit all of the above, hand it over to God and get back to the daily living. Get back on that horse and ride through my day-to-day life while letting the future be the future.

So while the next two weeks are probably going to be tough, I will get through them.  Hopefully I will be able to type about all the good news I get.  And until then…

Giddy Up Horsey.


“The Old Person Hobby”

I have been corrupted.  I have picked up a hobby I swore I would never learn.  I didn’t have interest in learning an “old person’s hobby”.  I learned to knit.


During chemo, so many of the things I enjoyed were not possible for me.  I knew I needed an activity to feel somewhat useful.  Knitting shows up time and time again as a positive activity for those on chemo.  And now there is a scientific study that proves it.

It seems that due to needing to use both sides of the brain while knitting helps with depression and a wide range of other mental struggles.  All of those struggles are very common while fighting the “Ugly C”.

For me the neuropathy got bad enough that I couldn’t knit at the end of treatment and I still struggle to be able to do it.  But for a while it gave me something productive to do.  It gave me something I could make for the nurses that helped me so much.


Fear is a Fart in the Wind

Perhaps I am turning a new leaf.  Perhaps I am starting to adapt to the world as it actually is, vs how it was before.  Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

The down days are getting less and farther apart.  The optimism is starting to return.  I look at my life and see so much  I want to change.  My attitude has not always been the best.  I have not taken advantage of opportunities that I had at my finger tips.  I have been allowing fear to prevent me from taking steps towards improving my life.

Life is so precious and in the past I have been treating it as something that was out of my control.  There was always an excuse as to why I didn’t do something.  There was always an excuse as to why I would stay in unhappy arrangements.  There was an excuse as to why I wouldn’t make my life better.

Now those excuses are like farts in the wind to me.  They hold no substance, they stink and are not worth the effort to maintain.  (Okay, I do not know how I would maintain a fart, but just go with it)

I have used these excuses to prevent taking risks where I had a chance of failing.  But no more.  Now I want to take those risks.

The first one I took, started a few weeks ago.  I am taking kiddo on vacation to Hawaii.  Before all this hit, I would have made excuses about not being able to afford it.  I would have convinced myself that something so grand was out of my reach.  And yes, financially it is a bit tight, but I do not care.  I feel no guilt about it.  She and I are going to go and have the time of our lives.  We are going to make memories that nothing can take away from us.  It is going to be a life changing event for her and I can not wait to see it happen.  I can’t wait to experience the trip myself.  I selfishly can’t wait to experience what I hear is one of the most beautiful places on the earth.

Weight is something else I look at changing.  The surgery created extra “flesh” where I do not want it.  I have always struggled with weight.  But now I hear my excuses as to not working on it and they again are drifting in the wind.  I am trying to periodically start a new improvement every couple of weeks. I am not doing the cold turkey, hard on the body, method.  I am going to slowly change my lifestyle.  My body has been through enough terrible things.  It doesn’t need me putting it through more torture.

And there are other areas I am trying to improve.  I am trying to make life into what it should be rather than what I have settled for.

There are things that I do not want to change.  I feel that my relationship with my daughter is a good one.  One that is open and honest.  Many may not agree with the methods I use with her but they work.  I am starting to see proof as to how my openness and honesty has worked with her. She is willing to talk to me about anything.  She isn’t afraid to come to me with problems or concerns.

Also I am blessed with my Knight.  He is a glowing star that is constant.  His wonderful nature makes me want to be better.  I can not express enough how much he means to me.  He is one of the greatest blessing that has come from the trials of the recent past.  And I can not thank him enough.

So I see my life as this huge picture.  One that has so many blank spots due to my past fears.  This fear is not going to prevent me from living a life that makes me and those I love most, happy.  I am excited to see where life goes.  I am excited to see what happens when the fear doesn’t run my life any more.   hawaii2

TV- Please Shush Now

I watch some wonderful crap tv.  Some reality shows, some drama, some fantasy.  I really enjoy a wide range of tv.  However, why is cancer so previlent in tv?  Why does reality tv use it as a justification for the person receiving attension? Why is cancer used as a major plot point so frequently?

Was it always like this and I have only recently noticed it?  Am i more sensative to it now?

I puzzle at why our society is so caught on that term.  Honestly I want it to be thought of with less fear.  I want it to be seen as “wow that stinks but it will be okay”.

The “ugly C” word is used as fear.  I think it is one of the most feared diagnosis.  And yes it stinks and yes it is ugly.  And yes it deserves the fear level.

But for me personally I wan it to be less then it is.  I want it to be something that is passing in the night.  Something that isn’t that huge of a deal seems easier to mentally and emotionally manage.  I want to stop having the plot point reminders of what I have gone through.  I want it to just be a part of my story that is this life, for it has changed me.  But I want it to be a minor key.

Maybe if it wasn’t so scary, maybe if it wasn’t such a big deal, my mind could come to peace with it faster.  Maybe I could move past it with greater speed.  I would love for this to be ancient history in my life’s story.

And only time can do that, but patience isn’t one of my strongest traits.  I suppose I will need to do the work. I will need to take the path ahead of me.  No skipping to Go and collecting my money.


The Next Steps – Lots O Doctor Visits

Today has been a day of work and a day of phone calls.  It amazes me how many doctor appointments follow being done chemo.  There are so many drs. you do not see when you are on chemo, it is almost like they all miss you and want you to come and visit in a 2 month span.

Eye dr, dentist, colonoscopy dr, followup with the oncologist, get the chemo port flushed, ob/gyn.  Seriously, I think the next two months will be taken up with work and dr apts and that is it.

The one I am dreading the most is the colonoscopy visit.  I have to go meet with the dr at the office first and then set up for my colonoscopy.  It is all coming full circle.  Saying I dread that appointment would be an understatement.  But it is what I need to feel like I have won.  It is the next battle that needs to be conquered.  My oncology doctor has no fear of everything coming up clear, so I guess that is something.  She said this one is just incase the tumor made it impossible for the camera to get the whole way through the colon.  I know they got through the whole colon, heck I have photographic proof of what they found.

So I am going to keep reminding myself to have an optimistic POV for this test and then just get past it.  Meanwhile, I have enough other appointments to keep me occupied.  Oh my, do I ever!


cancer warrior

The Path Of Self

On an (almost) annual basis I do a Myers-Briggs personality assessment.  To those that aren’t familiar, it is a personality test that looks for key personality traits.  Introvert vs. Extrovert, Intuition vs. Observation, Thinking vs. Feeling and Judging vs. Prospective.

Over the past three years, I have stayed basically the same, an Idealist (ENFP).  Before that, when I struggled with some depressive times I was always registering as an Introvert, but anyone who knows me now, scratches their heads when they hear that.

I am a talkative, energetic, emotional individual.  Give me caffeine in abundance and I can bounce around like a loon.  And your ear will be chattered off of the skull.  It is my superpower. Definitely I am an extrovert!

I do this test annually to see if I have changed.  But mostly I find it fun to define myself.  To read a few pages and go “OMG THAT IS ME!”  I love to learn about myself and about the world around.  It is enjoyable to see how my puzzle piece of the world fits into everyone else’s.  It is another area where I can continue to learn.

There are times I wonder if I have chosen a career that doesn’t suit with my personality.  The repeat reporting and number crunching gets to me sometimes.  I like variety, I like things to push me and encourage growth.  I long to be creative.  My present job doesn’t always allow for such things.

But parenting definitely allows for it.  The energy that I naturally exude tends to draw kids in.  I think I fascinate them because I act like a kid a lot.  Little things can make me giggle.  I am not beyond making funny faces across a room at adults and kids alike.  I love chasing toddlers exclaiming “I am the tickle monster.  I am going to get you.” And then getting to hear their laughter.

There is so much in the world to learn and explore.  So much beauty and indescribable things.  And today is the reminder that I am one of those things.  I am the can of silly string.  I am the hug when people need it.  I am the immature individual that laughs at juvenile jokes.

So what are you?  Here is my profile.  I encourage you to read mine.  I encourage you to take the quiz, it doesn’t take long.  And I would love to know what you end up being.  I would love to know what you learned about yourself.

silly string