Life has thrown more then what I have deemed my fair share of curve balls. But I can still smile and laugh. I have this beautiful child that is a constant reminder of joys in life. She says things that baffle me. She has insights I never thought she could connect. And when she is around there is constant laughter and silliness. She brings it out in me. She brings the child out in me but in a more carefree way than I experienced as a child.
I have wonderful friends who are a constant blessing. I love them all dearly and can’t thank God enough for having led me to them. I was lead to them through the Knight that is still an important part of my life.
For once in my life, the end of a romantic relationship didn’t result in anger and spite. This time, I would do about anything to keep him in my life. He is so critical to my life that I want him there. His smile makes me smile. His hugs make the world a bit safer. I still love him. I doubt that will ever go away. But right now I think that is okay. Right now I can’t tell him such things. He has his own battles he is fighting. He has his own demons to deal with. So for now I am standing by him, if only as a friend. I am standing there and refusing to leave. He is too important. And I wish there was a way to tell him but for now, I will stand silently by and be what he needs most, a friend.
It is amazing what one day will make in matters of the heart. Compared to yesterday I feel much better. My heart doesn’t feel like it is crumbling out of my chest. It doesn’t feel like there is a black hole that is swirling and taking me with it.
I feel normal. I feel level. I feel like the world isn’t going to implode.
I dread New Year’s Eve. I suspect I will get a repeat. But at least I know I made it through it. And there is something for that.
My heart has been doing better. I haven’t been as upset. However Christmas Eve and Christmas have been torture. I do not think I felt this alone even going through a divorce. When Kiddo is with others and no one is around, I am a wreck.
And the hardest part is that I thought I was doing better. I thought I was moving on, but these two days have made me severely question that. This year there was nothing under the tree for me. This year, there was no one holding me or trying to find that time to be with me. This year I was alone.
I feel like I have taxed my friends too much. I feel like there is no one to turn to. I am just alone. Horribly, terribly, alone.
There is no joy in a season I typically love. There is no happiness at it. It is all tinged with this horrible sense of being an island that even the birds don’t fly to. Of a place where even plants won’t grow. There isn’t even any sand or wind. It is just a flat sheet of rock that the water seems to want to flow away from.
I want to be better so much. I want the pain and tears to stop. I want to move on. So desperately I want to but I don’t know how. Please someone tell me how.
For the past month I haven’t had health insurance due to a job change. During that time, my lack of planning resulted in me running out of my neuroapthy drug. Before running out my hands felt 100% normal, I could put on necklace. The tips of my toes were numb but that was it.
Well one month later without the drug, the whole bottom of my feet are completely numb again. And I can no longer do the catches on necklaces. My hands are still so much better then they were a year ago, but the feet have completely regressed.
A year after being done chemo and I still can’t feel my feet. The original diagnosis was that it should be gone within a year, well so much for that.
I see my dr on Friday and hopefully she will have a new script for me. But now I need to come to terms with the fact that I may need to take it for the rest of my life or deal with the numbness.
I am beginning to adapt to this new reality. I am beginning to adapt to a new household, a new job, a new relationship status. I am enjoying my job. I am enjoying my new house. I am enjoying this new life. People are telling me I haven’t looked so happy in a very long. I am told I look younger. I am told looking rejuvenated.
And over all I am feeling better and enjoying my life more. The move was a good thing. It was the right choice.
There’s one thing that I really find I miss though. I am missing that hug where you can collapse into. I get hugs from friends and I enjoy them and am grateful for them. However, they aren’t what I want. There is a hug that you give to the one you love completely. There is a hug where a part of you connects spiritually with them. There is a hug where you let all the walls down and just fall into that embrace. Where you are laid bare at their feet. Where you melt into them and them into you.
I miss that feeling. I miss being able to have that level of trust and acceptance to be able to bare your soul in hug.