Diet Forward and Upward

The diet is progressing.  Each week I up the ante a bit more.  Each week I encourage myself to add something know exercise-wise or alter my eating in a positive way.  Small steps.  Slow steps.

I won’t win any awards for my rate of losing weight.  But you also won’t see me stressing out over it either.

Last week I changed my breakfast food to a plain oatmeal with a little bit of diced dried fruits.  Okay it is not the most interesting of foods.  It doesn’t scream “EAT ME!!” but it gets the day off onto a good path.  The days I eat that in the morning are the days that I am much better behaved for the rest of the day.  Over the past 2 weeks there have been a few days (like today) where I didn’t eat that for breakfast.  And know what?  The rest of the day was a wash with the diet.  The hunger pangs were worse.  I shook sometimes.  I ate higher calorie foods.  So I guess what you have for breakfast really does influence the rest of your day.

This week I am going to add in some yoga.  My back has been bothering me so I know the yoga will help with that. Plus it is an exercise I actually enjoy.

And then next week I get to start the cancer-exercise study with UPenn.  I can’t wait to find out what group I am in!!  I am very optimistic that this will be a great turning point in my physical fitness!!!

 

trail mix

School Yard Follow Up

So a followup to my previous post.  I was speaking with one of my girl friends about Kiddo’s issue with being called fat and she said something brilliant.

“Why does the word ‘fat’ have to be a bad thing?  It is a descriptive word that is neither negative or positive.”  Basically society has put this negative thought into that term.  Someone can be fat and be beautiful.  The same as someone can be thin, tall, short, blonde, brunette, etc. and be beautiful.  She posed the suggestion to encourage Kiddo to only see the word “fat” as a descriptor and neither negative or positive.

Kiddo and I had the discussion.  She sees the logic of it.  I know putting it into practise will be more difficult but at least the seed is there.  She is such a beautiful, fierce child.  She knows who and what she is.  She is proud of those things!

 

Kiddo kissing Calli
Kiddo kissing Calli

How to Get Your Ass Whipped (For Free)

Oh my gosh I love this!

whipsandleather

Do you have a creepy whip fetish, but no cash to rush off and watch the new Fifty Shades of Grey film?
No problem! All you need is a single dedicated equestrian in your life, and you can get your fantasies
violently fulfilled absolutely free of charge. All it will take is six simple words: “horse riding is not
a sport”. Please sign on the dotted line, then sit back and enjoy the pain of a thousand furious lashes.
It’s just one of the many neat perks of hanging out with ‘horse people’.

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School Yard Meanness

Oh my child, the world you have been brought up into is not fair.  You are a bright and beautiful star.  You have a strong personality and point of view.  You know who you are and rejoice in it.  Yet the world tries to take that away from you.

Yesterday you came home distraught that a girl at school called you fat and told you that you had bugs.  And of course that hurt and upset you.  It is a mean and terrible thing to be told.  I wish I could prevent you from having to deal with such people.

I wish people didn’t have to define others in the worst possible terms.  I wish that people would just ignore those that they do not wish to be friend with, rather than say mean and hurtful things.  I wish I could protect you from this.  But I have to let you learn how to deal with it healthily.  I have try to encourage you to develop methods to deal.

So my response of asking you if those two descriptions matched was a way of teaching you.  You said “No”.  “Do you like who and what you are?” “Yes”  “Does this girl know more about you then you do?” “No” “So who is right or more accurate?” “Me”

But of course you were still hurt, anyone would be.  So we have to take things a step farther.  “Do you know why someone says something mean about another unprovoked?” “No” “Because they are not sure about who they are, and if they can define others into bad terms, it makes them feel better about themselves.” “Huh?” “If you don’t feel good about yourself there are many ways it shows.  One way is to be mean to others.  If you try to prove that others aren’t as awesome/cool/fun as you, it makes you feel better about yourself.” “ohhhhhh” “So Kiddo, I do not want you doing such things to others okay?” “Okay” “I want you to see the good in others and make them feel good about themselves.” “Okay.  I love you Mommy.”

Scary Wolf
Scary Wolf

Ashamed and Embarrassed

I have behaved poorly.  For a few days I was wallowing in self pity and self anger.  I was staying in the land of desolation and behaving as such.  I was rude to those I love.  I was harsh and mean.  I was a feral animal with limited to no selfcontrol.

I am so ashamed of how I have behaved.  I can not take back my childish behaviors.  I can not undo what I did.  But I do wish I could.  I try so hard to be self analytical to prevent behaving as I did.  And well, I failed miserably.

I am here sheepishly saying sorry to those that were affected by my temper tantrum.  I am here saying I will try to be better next time.  I am here going “oops”.

Grumble and Gripe and then Hope

Grumble, Gripe, Complain.

How’s that for an introductory sentance?  Tell you where my mind is?  This past week has been rough and in ways I was completely unprepared for.  Right now I am wallowing in self-hatred, self-abuse, and just feeling miserable.  I took so long to write about it because I hoped it would pass however, I think blogging will be required to get it out of my system.  (It is amazing how writing something out on the net can clear up the mind and spirit!)

On Tuesday I had my chemotherapy port removed.  I was the only person skipping into the surgery room.  I was laughing and happy and telling the nurses how awesome it is to have this done.  I was happy all day.  It is the tangible sign that I am done my bout with cancer.  It is a sign of how far I have come in 11 months.  And justifiably I was estatic to be done with it.  However on Thursday when I got to take my bandage off, the sight of the scar sent me into a terrible downward spiral.

I have never had a good self image.  I am over weight, I need to exercise and take better care of myself, and I am planning to start working on that through a cancer study that starts in 2 weeks.  However, having another visible ugly scar just made me feel uglier then the Hunchback of Notre Dame.  I cried most of the night.  I have scars all over my abdomen and now I have a fresh one on my shoulder.  It is one that I see every time I look at myself in the mirror.  The surgeon did a great job, nods to him.  However I am so distraught over this new scar.  It is another thing added to my perceived ugliness.

I want to curl into the corner of my bed and never come out.  I want to not exist in this manner any more.  I hate looking into the mirror. The level of my self hatred surprised me.  It still surprises me.  I am avoiding mirrors, I am not wanting to go out so that people can see me.  I want to forget everything for a week.  But as a single mom that is beyond impossible.

Throw in all that stuff plus being extremely exhausted.  I can not remember when I have been so tired before.  It is horrible!  Throw in that kiddo is having a major hormonal swing that is driving me batty to deal with.  Throw in struggling with the ex husband.  Throw in trying to work and failing miserably at it.  Mix it all up and you have one very unhappy person.  You have a person that can’t figure out which way is up.

I am pushing people away.  I am poking at sleeping bears.  I am being overly sensitive.  I am miserable.  And heck, I do not like myself right now.  I can’t stand being around myself, why would others want to be around me?  I am not pleasant to be around.

I try to find the positives.  I try to remind myself that I am done with this nasty stuff.  I try to remind myself how far I have come.  I try distracting myself so that my brain can get a break and get onto a different path.  I try to do things that typically make me happy.  But over the past 3 days, none of that has worked.  I am hoping that writing this gripping complaining post will help.

I have been so lucky through everything.  I have seen what wonderful people I have around me.  I have seen God give me blessings anew each day.  I have seen that I am still employed.  I see that my life is moving forward in surprising and exciting ways.  I see this cancer study as a potential huge step into changing my life.  I see great things on the horizon.  I see it all.  I just need this present fog to lift.  It feels almost like 11 months of grief and anger are hitting me all at one time, and maybe that is what is happening.  I am just so angry.  I want this fog to be gone.  I want to be back to the happy, sunshiny me.  I want to be staring at the new landscape my life is.  I want to move away from fear and anger to joy and happiness.  I want to be able to just rejoice in everything.  I have so much to rejoice in.  I have so much to be grateful for.

Yes my body is not what I want to it be but that is my own fault.  I haven’t taken the time or energy to fix it.  I haven’t kept working on my food intake and my energy expenditure.  I have been slowly working on it and am down 10 lbs for it.  However that isn’t even the tip of the iceberg of what I want to do.  This week I am going to start having a new, lower calorie, better for me breakfast.  One change a week.  One change food wise, one change exercise wise.  Nothing crazy drastic.  Just small changes that result in huge changes.  I have no right to complain if I am not doing anything about it.

So maybe the past few days have been my rock bottom of my physical fitness.  Maybe I can move up from here.  I hope.  I hope I can start liking myself more.  Maybe I can stop relying on others for that confirmation and just rely on myself.  That would be a wonderful goal.  And it all begins now.  flower from ash