I am an emotional based person. I have learned through trial and error that I am most destructive when I communicate in an emotional state. So now I try to put things into a logic based mentality. However, when I am very tired, highly stressed, and/or highly emotional, it is extremely difficult for me to be logical.
When I am in an emotional state, things come out of the mouth as they come to my brain with little to no residence time. Usually they are in a massive rush. Something that is typically small and inconsequential to me may be given the same emphasis as something that is extremely upsetting. There is no balance in importance or relevance.
I have been working with my therapist for the past few years on tempering my emotional expressions. On knowing when I will not be able to filter my communication appropriately. On knowing when I need to tell myself to hold back till my emotions are in greater check and able to have a beneficial conversation. Like right now at this very moment, I am in a logical, controlled emotions mindset. Right now I can discuss things without allowing my emotional state to take over. Now I can put things in a proper order. Now I can pull out what is important. Now I can balance things. Now I am not going to over exaggerate and make things more than they are. Basically now I can have an “adult” conversation.
And through work with the therapist, I have gotten much better at this. I know when to put myself into a “time out” and revisit an issue to when I can control my communication and behavior. Honestly I am proud of the improvements I have made. I am upset when I am not successful, even if they are becoming much less frequent. I am upset when I let myself communicate when I am exhausted, stressed, and/or insecure. Those are the times it isn’t the right time to have any sort of discussion but unfortunately my will power is weak when all three hit. And once the gates opened, I they are nigh on impossible to close them. Things come out however they came to my brain, again, with no control on severity, importance or priorities.
So here have been my thoughts of late, in a linear structured manner.
- Sudden Change. I have chosen to take a huge step for the first time in my life. It is a step with very little safety net under it. I have taken a job with massive responsibilities that I have never had before. I have moved to a new area away from family. All other moves have had family nearby. I have relocated Kiddo to a school that I have no roots in and don’t know much about. I have made all of these choices including a new house. It is a lot of change at one time. It is a good thing. In the long run it will be a definite benefit. Right now is just a transition time.
- My insecurities. Everything is up in the air. Failure is very possible. My brain is screaming at me constantly that I am going to fail. That I am going to end in financial ruin. That I will lose Kiddo. That I will lose the Knight. That I am being terrible to the Knight and that I do not deserve him. That I am going to mess everything up. That I am going to fail at every turn. These are the things my emotional brain is constantly screaming at me. I am trying to write them off as an irrational thought. I am trying to call them what they are. They are the voice of my insecurities. Typically I have multiple reminders of what I am capable and who I am. Right now they are not present. The reminders will be formed over time in my new place and job, however right now I have to work hard to find reminders.
- I am over analyzing EVERYTHING. I am reading into everything. No one can be expected to anticipate such things. It is my responsibility to see the problem and fix it in my brain. And I am trying so very hard right now. A lot of my energy is going towards it.
- I am trying to deal with the thoughts. I am trying to do the techniques that my therapist has given me. Most of the time I am succeeding. Most of the time and I am doing what I need to do. I am labeling and dealing with them appropriately. Occasionally I fail. The problem is when I fail it ends up being catastrophic.
- My exhaustion. As a result of the above and the stress of learning a new job et.al, I have become very tired. Each week gets a little better. But especially the first work week I was a walking zombie. The weeks before the move I was so exhausted I was crying myself to sleep and randomly crying through the day. I am trying to concentrate on getting a good night’s sleep, on going to bed early, to fuel my body appropriately and pay attention to its needs. And each week is getting better and easier. It will take some time to get back up to normal level of energy but it is slowly getting there.
- My expectations. I expect myself to be perfect 100% of the time. No exceptions. I know this is unrealistic but I am constantly striving towards it. I expect myself to be a perfect parent, a perfect employee, a perfect girlfriend and a perfect friend. To be anything beneath that is completely unacceptable. This too I have been working on. I have been working on accepting failures of the past and learning from them. However, with exhaustion I struggle to keep this in balance and then it fuels my insecurities.
So this writing experiment really showed me tangibly the one thing I need to monitor the most. Exhaustion is when I lose my ability to monitor myself. Exhaustion is the trigger to the loss of control. Exhaustion also allows my mind to start rambling where it shouldn’t. I am trying to work on it to get back to where I should be. And I can’t wait for it to be back to normal levels.