What’s Next???

There has been a lot going on in my life recently.  These past two weeks have not gone how I hoped.  I had hoped to have three weeks between my last treatment and me going back to work.  I had hoped for those 3 weeks to rest and recouperate and hopefully feel more normal before returning to work.  This has not happened at all.

My grandparents have required a lot of attention from myself and other family members.  A lot of my energy has gone into that.  I have had a wide variety of meetings on each day.  Every day of my final week before work has something scheduled.

I wanted three weeks to get my house back in order.  I wanted three weeks to sleep.  I wanted all my side effects gone before going back to work.

NONE OF THIS HAS HAPPENED.

I am glad I can be here to help with my grandparents.  I am glad I could help those I love so dearly.  Please do not get me wrong.

But at the same time, I feel so exhausted, so frustrated and so demoralized.

I was so overly optimistic of these side-effects going away before returning to work.  But instead the neuropathy has gotten so much worse.  I am going to accupuncture, which is the only recommendation my oncology dr. could make.  But it isn’t an easy fast cure.  I guess to get better it has to hurt worse.  My hands are constantly in pain.  I stumble frequently due to the numb feet.  I have to be so careful on steps and driving.

I am just frustrated.  I sit here wondering “What’s going to happen next?”

The Path, Part Two

The past weeks have brought many changes.  But the changes this week are wonderful and joyful. I know next week I will not need to get any more of those horrible drugs!  How awesome is it to be done chemo???  It is an odd thought to know next week, I will feel better than this week.

And this week, excluding that annoying numbness, I am feeling better than I have since early April.  I went to horseback riding lessons with kiddo last night and could really feel the difference in my body.  I felt stronger than I have in ages.  I was able to enjoy every moment and not feel exhausted afterwards.  I could post (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yb5HorXDsjk)   for the whole lesson and feel wonderful after wards.  Posting is like doing squats and the thigh master, simultaneously, on a horse.  It is getting more natural.  My balance is getting better along with my strength on the horse.  So I say YEAH to me.

Additionally I have been rearranging my house.  I have sat in the same place for about 6 months while feeling horrible.  So I am in the process of switching my living room and dining room.  It is mentally refreshing to have things look different, even if it is still in process.  It is a magical curtain between my times of being sick and my current time of recovery.  It is a new fresh page.  It is a sense of relief.

One final thing I have done to celebrate, is to purchase a “survivor” bracelet from Etsy.  It is a reminder of what I have accomplished.  I still feel that anyone would do as I have done.  That my feat is nothing exceptional.  However, I like having that daily reminder that I have survived something difficult.  (My new bracelet)

There are rays of sunlight starting to show.  There are things that are starting to turn around.  I will never be the same, physically, mentally, emotionally, but that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing.  I am the new me.