There has been a lot going on in my life recently. These past two weeks have not gone how I hoped. I had hoped to have three weeks between my last treatment and me going back to work. I had hoped for those 3 weeks to rest and recouperate and hopefully feel more normal before returning to work. This has not happened at all.
My grandparents have required a lot of attention from myself and other family members. A lot of my energy has gone into that. I have had a wide variety of meetings on each day. Every day of my final week before work has something scheduled.
I wanted three weeks to get my house back in order. I wanted three weeks to sleep. I wanted all my side effects gone before going back to work.
NONE OF THIS HAS HAPPENED.
I am glad I can be here to help with my grandparents. I am glad I could help those I love so dearly. Please do not get me wrong.
But at the same time, I feel so exhausted, so frustrated and so demoralized.
I was so overly optimistic of these side-effects going away before returning to work. But instead the neuropathy has gotten so much worse. I am going to accupuncture, which is the only recommendation my oncology dr. could make. But it isn’t an easy fast cure. I guess to get better it has to hurt worse. My hands are constantly in pain. I stumble frequently due to the numb feet. I have to be so careful on steps and driving.
I am just frustrated. I sit here wondering “What’s going to happen next?”
The past weeks have brought many changes. But the changes this week are wonderful and joyful. I know next week I will not need to get any more of those horrible drugs! How awesome is it to be done chemo??? It is an odd thought to know next week, I will feel better than this week.
And this week, excluding that annoying numbness, I am feeling better than I have since early April. I went to horseback riding lessons with kiddo last night and could really feel the difference in my body. I felt stronger than I have in ages. I was able to enjoy every moment and not feel exhausted afterwards. I could post (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yb5HorXDsjk) for the whole lesson and feel wonderful after wards. Posting is like doing squats and the thigh master, simultaneously, on a horse. It is getting more natural. My balance is getting better along with my strength on the horse. So I say YEAH to me.
Additionally I have been rearranging my house. I have sat in the same place for about 6 months while feeling horrible. So I am in the process of switching my living room and dining room. It is mentally refreshing to have things look different, even if it is still in process. It is a magical curtain between my times of being sick and my current time of recovery. It is a new fresh page. It is a sense of relief.
One final thing I have done to celebrate, is to purchase a “survivor” bracelet from Etsy. It is a reminder of what I have accomplished. I still feel that anyone would do as I have done. That my feat is nothing exceptional. However, I like having that daily reminder that I have survived something difficult. (My new bracelet)
There are rays of sunlight starting to show. There are things that are starting to turn around. I will never be the same, physically, mentally, emotionally, but that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. I am the new me.