Yesterday I got to enjoy a therapy session and then time with my Mom, Kiddo, Sis-in-laws and two nephews. It was so great. We walked probably two miles. But more important we just spent time with each other. We enjoyed each other. We laughed and created memories. And we have the pictures to improve it. It makes the heart glad that after an extensive outpouring of my heart to my therapist (who is amazing btw).
I have complained a lot recently and I talked with my therapist about it. She asked me why I am not taking xanax on days where I know my spirits will be down. I had no good answer besides “I never thought of that”. My drs had been encouraging me to stretch out my treatments. But I was afraid it might cause the cancer to start growing again or to move. She looked at me and said “Do you trust your doctors?” I said a resounding “yes”. She looked at me and said “do what your doctors suggest. They know what they are talking about”. I looked at her and went “that makes sense”.
I hadn’t thought of those things to make my life easier. This is why she is great. Plus I sobbed for most of the treatment just getting things out. I feel like I lost 10 lbs just getting that out of me. She reminded me that what I feel is completely normal for my situation. I needed to know that all those feelings are normal. And she is a professional telling me that.
But getting all that out let me really enjoy and embrace Longwood Gardens and my family. I have some amazing picutres that I can put in kiddos journal for if I pass. I have given her one memory she can go back to. And that makes me happy.
And in two weeks we are all going to get together to do messy art day. Throwing paint. Making a mess. And I am sure laughing a lot. Just enjoying life together.
So I started a bucket list. It is the fad to do so right? However, it has hit home for me. I don’t know what the future holds for me. I don’t know where my path leads. I may live 30+ years and get my miracle or I may only live a few years. Who knows right?
But I wanted a place where I keep my goals for life. There is so much I want to see and do yet. I want to travel to so many different places. There is so much I want to learn yet. And if I was independently wealthy I would be doing it now. I would be there.
Most of my items flow around going to different ecosystems. I am an environmentalist at heart. I want to see animals in the wild. I want to see natural phenomenon.
So here is my Pinterest board for my bucket list: https://www.pinterest.com/icymoonstone/bucket-list/
I have a feeling it will grow over time. So there are a few topics:
- Things pertaining to kiddo.
- Seeing her graduate high school
- Seeing her get married.
- These are things that the doctor doesn’t want to admit that I might get to. These are things all parents want to see for their kids. These are the ones that break my heart.
- Places I want to visit
- Grand Canyon
- Tropical Rain Forest
- Things I want to experience
- Seeing whales in Alaska
- Seeing wolves in Alaska
- Doing the transcontinental railroad across Canada
- Take a cooking class
- Eat lobster straight from the ocean
- Sleep in those crazy awesome tree houses
- See the northern lights
- Own a horse
- Get into better shape
- Try new foods
- Take my friends to the cabin to experience Potter County
It isn’t an all-inclusive list but there is so much joy I see in that list. There is so many beautiful things to experience in life. And I want to taste of the glory God made in this world. And while I still have a taste for that, I have something to strive for.
Maybe the travel is farfetched. Most of them are very expensive trips which are outside my reach. But there are things on there I can start tackling now. I can get into better shape. I can plan a weekend for my friends to join me at my family cabin. I can research cooking classes. Those are within my reach. They are things I can do with kiddo too. That means it gives us more memories to share.
There is a part of me that feels sorry for people that don’t realize how precious each moment is. People who are just trying to get through each day, wandering and searching but never finding.
I have the biggest encouragement possible to want to experience life. I have been given a pending ending. And that saddens and scares me. But at the same time it makes me want to strive to experience all that I can. To give Kiddo every possible memory and experience that I can do. She likes that instead of giving her toys, I give her experiences for gifts. She values them soooo much. They are things she will never lose. They are memories that she will always be able to hold close to her heart. I look forward to giving her more of those.
Eventually I will make a book of my blogs. I want her to have those memories. I want her to have something tangible of what we went through. Just something to keep the memories fresh.
So here is to making new memories. Here is to experiencing life.
I have been struggling with all the chaos of life of late. But it is amazing when I can see God working a miracle or a surprise.
A few weeks ago I found out my horse lesson trainer was moving to Texas to be with her significant other. I can’t blame her for that. And then I had a sudden energy drop from the chemo that pushed me to decide that December is my last month for leasing my precious Dill. It broke my heart to do that. I was devastated. I was in constant tears.
I yelled and screamed at God that hadn’t he taken enough from me? Hadn’t he removed enough from my life with everything I had been going through? And it wasn’t a financial decision to stop my lease but an energy decision. I just didn’t have the energy for the hour and half round trip to see him. I was going to bed so early due to the exhaustion. I just didn’t have the physical ability to go out and see my precious horse. It seriously broke me to make that decision and it still does. But I know it was and is the right choice.
But wow did I yell and scream at God. Hadn’t I been through enough to now lose the one thing where I forget I am sick? The one thing where I forget about my daily fight against my own body. To say I was throwing temper tantrums is an understatement. I was the petulant little child refusing to accept what Daddy is saying is best for us.
Then yesterday something peculiar happened. I was at Kiddo’s horse lesson with another trainer and found out that yesterday was the last time we would have lessons. The trainer is making decisions that are hard to make but needed to be made. And the result is no more lessons for Kiddo.
And the first thing I saw was a door opening in front of me. Suddenly kiddo and I are unbound to any horses. God has cleared the path for something amazing to come in. I can see and anticipate a present sitting there for us. I do not know what it will be. But now I am like a little kid sitting and waiting for Christmas day to open the present. I have no idea what it might be but I am sure it will be perfect. I just have to wait till God says it is time to open the present.
For a month I have been crying out for a sign that I am on the right path. That I am doing what I need to do. I have asked for an angel to come down and tell me I will make it through this battle of mine. And of course no angel has showed up. However, there is an open door in front of me. And it is a huge open door. And it has filled me with joy and peace.
I am sure some think I am just looking for things. But the coincidence of all of these things falling at the same time is so small. This is how God works. He clears the path before us. And it isn’t always in the way we expect or hope. However, it is clear for Him to work now. And now I need to just be patient and wait for the unveiling time.
I am being just like that little kid though. I am picturing all the options. A big happy horse, two horses so kiddo and I can ride together, a perfect barn, a unicorn… So am I being realistic? Maybe not but I am a bouncing little kid sitting at my father’s feet waiting for the gift. And for right now, I need that desperately. I need that joy and peace. I need to know that the path is in the hand of someone who knows better than me. I need to know that everything is being taken care of.
And so here I sit.
Learning lessons from God isn’t easy but it helps us in the long run. 1. One time I asked for patience, and while this sounds horrible it’s true. I had Sabriel. She is my blessing and joy but she has taught me so many levels of patience. 2. Living for the present. Not the past. Not the future. But enjoying what is right in front of you. To learn that I had to go through my first diagnosis of cancer (ouch way to learn). 3. That in turn caused me learn to lose my temper. To be a more calm and caring person. To see people for the good. 4. Learning to lean on God. This bout with cancer has really pushed that. The medical community doesn’t give me the warm and fuzzies on this bout. So where do I have to lean but to lean on a God. There is nothing else because I refuse to accept what the medical community sees as my outcome. This means that I have to accept what He throws my way..even if I’m not excited about it. But I have to trust His judgement. 5. And that has taught me to lean on my friends. They all have such special gifts. Charles let’s me cry without judgement. He lets me admit the horrible things in my mind without trying to brush them off. Carolyn is my scheduler and listener. Teddi is my realist sparkles that helps me see my reality. I have my card support staff that sends a card and it magically appears when I need it most. I have those that send me flowers. Those that send me words of encouragement when I need it most. And of course the HUGE prayer staff. Did you know that it’s now spreading through the world?? 6. I’ve learned to be honest with my difficulties. I was raised in and around farmers and hard workers. We just plow on while limiting admitting our struggles. Most recently I’ve learned the importance of truth with difficulty and when I need help. And learning this lesson relied on all of the above being in place. Ah the beauty of God’s plan. What I had to go through to be able to learn the importance of showing weakness and struggles. It’s still hard for me. But that is what He’s working on me now. And I know I will be grateful when it is learned.
My friends. It’s taken me so long to find my group. The group where I can just be me in all my eccentricity. I can make my naughty jokes. I can be a geek. I can be the country girl I am. I can do my happy dances. And I can be completely honest with them!
They’ve been so supportive of me through everything. They’ve sent me flowers. They’ve sent cards. They’ve sent texts. They’ve helped around the house. They’ve listened to me complain and cry. I’m just so grateful to them all!
Love you guys!
Day of thankfulness
I’m thankful for my family. I get to be the crazy aunt. I get to be the oddball. And I love that. And with all I’ve been through, they have been my rock. They have been there to support me. Since this started I’ve called dad almost every day for a chat. The same with mom. I love my sisters. Thank you bros for bringing them into the family. I have brothers that are different but also loving in their own ways. And I have these amazing nephews that I get to spoil and teach bad things too. And of course we can’t grandparents who have taught me so much. Plus all my aunts, uncles, and cousins!
Today’s day of thankfulness
Anyone who has met her knows she is her own person. She is a special blend of confidence, imagination, funny, love, intelligence. These past six months have brought us closer. I can’t express enough how much I love this kid. She really does march to her own drummer. But I enjoy that drummer!!