Coming to grips with death

Now let me say that death isn’t imminent for me.  It isn’t right around the corner. However it is a reality I face each day. 

My initial prognosis was a few months to a few years of life before cancer would take me.  At 37, with a 10 year old daughter, that’s a horrible thought.  Now I am doing better per my PET scan.  The masses have reduced energy uptake by over 75% each.  These are amazing results!   These are what they hope for.  

However I have come to a realization about faith.  A faith that is hinged souly on God healing me is not really faith.  God does not always heal in the ways we expect (as a wise friend told me….  shhh. Don’t tell him I called him wise).  Sometimes the path goes in ways we don’t want.  

For me, I am afraid of being on chemo for the rest of my life.  Every other week needing to be injected with poison for three days straight and feeling like crap for 5 out of 14 days.  That sounds horrible and scary to me.   

I am afraid of dying from cancer.  Every tv show and movie likes to throw in that person dying of cancer.  The scene from Guardians of the Galaxy is stuck in my head.  I’m afraid of going out that way. 

But what if that is God’s plan?  What if I have to walk either or both of those rather than being healed?  Does it make His plan any less perfect?  

I’ve determined I need to be at peace with whatever the outcome is.  I need to accept that whatever the path may have in it, it is for my best in a way that only God can understand.  This is hard though.  I want to live. I want to see my kid graduate.  I want to be completely healed from this.  But I’ve determined that whatever God does with this is best. 

It’s hard to accept chemo as a good option. It’s hard seeing what may be in my future is good. But there it is, He is perfect.  He does what is best for His children.  And who am I to disagree. 

I am not giving up.  I am still fighting for my miracle.  I still have faith and hope that I will be healed.  It just feels empty to only accept one path when I know so little of the overall plan.  Please continue to pray for healing. Please continue to a miracle.  But also pray for peace and strength no matter where this leads.  Pray for me to be able to accept whatever is asked of me through this process. I won’t lie and say it is easy.  It is anything but easy.  But it is what is being asked of me.  And I will continue to fight and persevere.  But I need prayers.  So any you can send up is appreciated.  

With much love -thank you. 

Advertisements