Morning wake up crew

  

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So one year, what it meansĀ 

So one year after the completion of my last chemo treatment. While that’s something to celebrate it doesn’t feel like it. 

At the end of my treatments, my knight and I were so close. We were in love. We were treasuring every minute together because we knew how valuable they were. 

But now where am I?  Over a month ago I had moved closer for a new job, for a new life and one where I’d be closer to my knight. And then two weeks later he asks to no longer be that knight. And suddenly all that I thought true, all that I had hoped, all that I wished was gone. Suddenly I was left standing alone. 

I don’t know if before this relationship that I had ever truly loved. And by loved I mean the description in the Bible.  But with this relationship I had truly loved. I was all in. I knew things were rocky but I was hoping. I was persevering. I was waiting to get to the other side and to be stronger for it. But now we won’t get to the other side. Now I’m left with this devotion, this love, this commitment to someone who doesn’t want it. 

I still wish he’d show up at my door with flowers saying I’m sorry. I want him to call to say “I’ve changed my mind”. I want him to realize the mistake that was made. No matter what I say to everyone I just want him to come back. 

I know he needs to get some help and someone to talk to. But I love him. I want him back. Even with the pain I’ve been in over the past month+ I want him back. I’ve tried moving on. I’ve tried finding someone else. I just want him back. 

Everyone tells me to move on. But I don’t know how. I want to be able to but my heart won’t let go. 

My brain tells me this is foolish. My brain tells me this is done. But my heart is the boss right now. The heart is still at his doorstep waiting. 

I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been so broken.