Tag Archives: pray

Why God am I a Martyr?

I think of ancient Rome. The Christian Martyrs.  Those forced to be stoned or go into the coliseum.  And now I feel companionship with them.  With them I always picture them bravely going to their deaths.  I wish I was able to do that.

I feel like a martyr. I keep saying God is having me walk this path for His glory.  The thing is that I am paying the price for others to see His glory.  I wish I was able to be at peace with that like Stephen was.  But I am not.  I despise the path I am on.  I despise that I am being used in this way.  That I need to suffer for others.  Is that selfish?  Probably but it is the truth.

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I am the one that has to look at a shortened life span. Look at the fact that I won’t have a long life with kiddo.  Yes, things might change but right now that is the truth by the medical community.  There are always exceptions but I can’t really hold onto that any more.  It doesn’t hold much hope for me.

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I am walking towards the coliseum not knowing if my path will change before I walk out into the slaughtering grounds for the martyrs. I keep having to take steps towards that.  Yes, my test results show good things, but I am still looking ahead hoping to just make it to kiddo’s graduation.

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I keep praying and asking for God to send an angel to me. An angel that will explain why I need to suffer the way I do.  I want an angel to come and give me hope.  The good results gave me a little hope but not as much as I was anticipating.  I would love to have an angel come to me and stand in my path.  And the angel says “have faith, your path will not end in death from this disease.  You will be rewarded for what you have been asked to go through.”  I want to know that fighting serves a purpose.  That it will result in a win for me.  Maybe that is selfish but that is what I am hoping and praying for.

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I have Marionette strings

A marionette on strings. That is what I am.  I do not actively participate in what happens to me, rather I respond to how the strings dance.

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I find myself in the most horrible of plays. I find myself in a play where my life is on the line.  Those around me are forced to watch with horror.  There is not much they can do but observe.  With each tweak of a string, I move towards what is God’s goal.  I move towards His ultimate plan.  However, I do not know what that is.  I know it is for His glory but I really want to cut those string and run.  I want the scene of the play to change.  I want to know that I will not die the horrible death that cancer causes.

I cry out for a change of scene. I cry out for a foretelling like so many plays have.  A hint at what will be coming down the path.  Maybe someone can come and hint that I will make it through this horror and on the other side will be glory and joy.  On the other side I will live in happiness.  But so far no foretelling has come.  So far my strings are just being pulled to make me take yet another step towards the pending gloom.

I am stuck in this Greek tragedy. I am stuck watching my feet move towards a cliff.  I am stuck watching more and more things being removed from my sources of joy.  And yet there is nothing I can do.  I am attached to these strings.  I am not able to remove the strings.

Grumble and Gripe. Cancer sucks!

As is typical I am using this blog as a way to vent. And I need to vent.  I need to admit how much all of this stinks.  I need to admit I have days where I go “how in the world can I have hope?”

Last weekend was a treatment weekend. Again I have been blessed by my body handling the treatment so well.  I take every single bit of that as the huge blessing it is.  I am so grateful for it.  All I have is the fatigue.  However, the fatigue has a nasty side effect.  For me, when I am tired it is harder to control my emotions.  It is more difficult for me stay upbeat and positive.  And the thing is, I know that the farther I get from my treatment, the more energy I will have, the less this will be an issue.

But then I remember, I get to do this cycle again and again and again. And there is no definitive end to the cycle.  I am trying to find better ways to manage my fatigue for the few days it is a problem but to date nothing really stands out.  I am trying to eat good healthy things.  I am trying to get plenty of sleep and listen to my body.  But for two to three days my fatigue affects my spirit.

I try to tell myself to accept my “New Normal”. This is my new normal, the cycle.  It is what I need to accept but then I get upset with “why do I need to have this normal?  Why am I in this position?  Why did this have to happen to me?”  I hear people talking about vacations.  I hear people talking about future plans and I look at the fact that vacation is not something I will get for a while.  I see future plans as a luxury I don’t know that I will have.  I see relationships and long for one but know that isn’t my path right now.  No matter how much I want to lay next to someone and just know I am safe and they will take care of me through this, I know it isn’t my lot.  Heck with everything else I do not have time to think about dating, let alone deal with the work of finding someone.  But I lay there at night wishing someone was beside me.

Then there is the added stress. I typically avoid a lot of the extraneous things on here, but now they are playing into things.  My ex-husband has decided this is the perfect time to attack me from every front for custody for my kid.  Because I am sick, I guess he feels that he has a card in his hand that he wants to use.  I will do what is best for kiddo, but at this point, it is another thing that I need to deal with.  Also my grandmother is passing.  It is her time and she has had a fun full life.  She deserves the rest.  But it is another thing to deal with.

So with all these extra things, plus dealing with Stage 4 cancer and trying to fight it. I am just overwhelmed. There is just too much on my plate.  There is too much.

What will I do? I will fight on.  I will keep taking another step.  I will keep my chin up and fight like I have never fought before.  I will do the best I can.  I just hate that it is so dire that I need to do it now.  I was raised by a family of fighters.  We are all farm type people.  You do what you need to do.  Just keep plugging on and making progress.  If it gets worse, then you put on higher boots and keep going.  There is no giving up.  There is no laying down to trials.  I just don’t want to.  I want to have an easier life.  I want to have the carefree fun I see others having.

So that is where it comes down to me. Yes 5 or so days every two weeks I don’t feel like I can have fun.  Chemo is killing the cancer cells.  My body needs to recuperate.  But I need to find things to make the most fun out of the rest of the time.  Mister Dill the horse helps a lot.  I can’t wait to see him on Friday.  He gives me a smile and a sense of relief.

I have friends that listen to me moan and groan about the unfairness of this all.

I need to keep up with fun activities. Things that make me happy and smile.  Kiddo and I are embracing Pokemon Go together.  Granted she is playing on my phone since she lost hers…. Again….. But we laugh and joke about it together.  She and I have this beautiful balance of life together.

I just need to find easier ways to get through those days of exhaustion. I am up to any suggestions from fellow suffers.