I think of ancient Rome. The Christian Martyrs. Those forced to be stoned or go into the coliseum. And now I feel companionship with them. With them I always picture them bravely going to their deaths. I wish I was able to do that.
I feel like a martyr. I keep saying God is having me walk this path for His glory. The thing is that I am paying the price for others to see His glory. I wish I was able to be at peace with that like Stephen was. But I am not. I despise the path I am on. I despise that I am being used in this way. That I need to suffer for others. Is that selfish? Probably but it is the truth.
I am the one that has to look at a shortened life span. Look at the fact that I won’t have a long life with kiddo. Yes, things might change but right now that is the truth by the medical community. There are always exceptions but I can’t really hold onto that any more. It doesn’t hold much hope for me.
I am walking towards the coliseum not knowing if my path will change before I walk out into the slaughtering grounds for the martyrs. I keep having to take steps towards that. Yes, my test results show good things, but I am still looking ahead hoping to just make it to kiddo’s graduation.
I keep praying and asking for God to send an angel to me. An angel that will explain why I need to suffer the way I do. I want an angel to come and give me hope. The good results gave me a little hope but not as much as I was anticipating. I would love to have an angel come to me and stand in my path. And the angel says “have faith, your path will not end in death from this disease. You will be rewarded for what you have been asked to go through.” I want to know that fighting serves a purpose. That it will result in a win for me. Maybe that is selfish but that is what I am hoping and praying for.