Tag Archives: love

I rode again!

I rode a horse yesterday and found out just how much muscle I have lost due to the months of anemia. I couldn’t get my butt up in the saddle even with a step up.  How embarrassing.  I have never been graceful getting on a horse but I can do it.  Dnag.  I guess I need to work on my quad and glute muscles.  I had to stand on a barrel to get my leg over the horse.  I felt like such a horse noob!!!

And oh my word!!! My legs are sore today!!! The handsome horse I was riding is part Percheron and he definitely showed his draft side.  Definitely!!!  Lots of sore muscles today for me but I am happy with that, it means that I have muscles there starting to remember they can do things.

So now I have a new goal…. Get my legs back so I can ride. I have an area I can concentrate on and work hard at.  Somehow when my goals are around riding horses, they get done.  A horse is my motivation and it works.

I am excited about this. 🙂

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Chemo Dating

 

I was told I should write something about my recent experience into the foray of online dating.  I have done it before.  Some with good success, some with horrible.  When I was first diagnosed I didn’t have any interest in dating.  Who would want to attach their life to someone with what I was dealing with.  It is an extra struggle to add into it.  But in January I decided to give another try.  I was starting to come to grips with what my future held.

 

So I started again on OkCupid.  Figured, what the heck.  Let’s see what happens.  If nothing else I can meet some fun, interesting people.  And sometimes that is a really good thing. 

 

Well the usual onslaught of “interesting” people left messages that made their intent VERY clear.  Hey, to each their own right?  I don’t judge even if that wasn’t what I was hoping to get out of the experience. 

 

I found this one guy that showed some potential.  So we started messaging a lot.  He is a fellow geek, foodie, not repulsed by the dirt a horse entails (ha funny pun!).  We talked about lots of geek topics!  Hey this is a good sign right?  But over time, the questionability of him started to show.  He didn’t do anything.  Over the month and half I messaged with him, the most exciting thing he did was go to a market.  He talked of all these things he wanted to do.  But they were always tied to doing it with “that special person”.  So life was on hold for him.  When I recommended that he do something fun with his free time, that was when the hidden “him” came out.  See the pictures below. *********

 

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I was appalled.  All I said was a kind suggestion to go out and have a good time.  So I decided, I do not need this in my life.  I am trying to enjoy every moment. I don’t need someone who is going to fly off the handle at such things.  I really don’t. 

 

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He knew my health situation.  Why would someone say “When you die, I hope you go to hell.” To someone that is going through what I am going through.  It just showed a vindictive nature that I REALLY didn’t need in my life.  I want someone who loves life.  That likes to have fun.  I want someone that brings as much exuberance as I have.  Then he had the gall to ask for a truce.  I told him there was no coming back from such a comment.  I can see it being said during an argument in person, it is still terrible but I can see it as an in the heat of the moment.  But this.. This just astounded me. 

I hope he has some luck.  It just won’t be with me.

 

Longwood Gardens

Yesterday I got to enjoy a therapy session and then time with my Mom, Kiddo, Sis-in-laws and two nephews.  It was so great.  We walked probably two miles.  But more important we just spent time with each other.  We enjoyed each other.  We laughed and created memories.  And we have the pictures to improve it.  It makes the heart glad that after an extensive outpouring of my heart to my therapist (who is amazing btw).

I have complained a lot recently and I talked with my therapist about it.  She asked me why I am not taking xanax on days where I know my spirits will be down.  I had no good answer besides “I never thought of that”.  My drs had been encouraging me to stretch out my treatments.  But I was afraid it might cause the cancer to start growing again or to move.  She looked at me and said “Do you trust your doctors?”  I said a resounding “yes”.  She looked at me and said “do what your doctors suggest.  They know what they are talking about”.  I looked at her and went “that makes sense”.

I hadn’t thought of those things to make my life easier.  This is why she is great.  Plus I sobbed for most of the treatment just getting things out.  I feel like I lost 10 lbs just getting that out of me.  She reminded me that what I feel is completely normal for my situation.  I needed to know that all those feelings are normal.  And she is a professional telling me that.

But getting all that out let me really enjoy and embrace Longwood Gardens and my family.  I have some amazing picutres that I can put in kiddos journal for if I pass.  I have given her one memory she can go back to.  And that makes me happy.

And in two weeks we are all going to get together to do messy art day.  Throwing paint.  Making a mess.  And I am sure laughing a lot.  Just enjoying life together.

This is as good as it gets…..

So I started one thing and it turned into this.  It was dark and gloomy, it was complaining, yet again, about my lot in life.  But the thing is, I don’t feel like that now.  I really don’t.

Yeah life has the potential to get crappier and crappier.  Yeah life has the potential to get harder and more taxing on me.  But the fact is that right now I am enjoying most of my life.  If you exclude the chemo parts (which I like to ignore when I am not dealing with it), my life is doing well.

I have this amazing daughter that I adore.  She is a riot.  She keeps my on my toes.  This has taught me that you can’t say you love someone enough.  You can’t tell them how amazing they are enough.  There is no limit on what praises and joys you can spend their way.  I can’t stop hugging her or staring at her precious face.  I look at her picture and I see the joy of the world in it.  I see the hope and prospects.  I see the culmination of my life.  I see everything I have worked so hard for.  I have worked for her to be a free spirit.  I have worked for her to be able to voice who and what she is.  I have worked for her to have the spine to stand up for what she is.  I have worked hard for her to see the joy in the world, to be able to laugh and dance in the rain.  I see her and I see me in a precious way.

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I have this amazing support staff of friends and family.  I have learned how to lean (sometimes) on them.  I am still working on being gracious about that.  However it amazes me how many people care about my life.  And this experience has given me that.  I have forged deeper friendships then I ever had in the past.  I have sought out others more than I would in the past.

I have opportunities still in my path.  Those that I look forward to exploring.

So while the path might get harder for me.  So while the path may never be easier for me.  So while my luck still stinks.  There are all these rays of light around.  There are all these things that bring me happiness and joy.  There are all these precious gems that I wouldn’t give up for a million years.

There is a part of me that can’t remember what it was like to look at life without a time clock over one’s head.  I look at things as possible last times.  I look at things of “who knows when…” And that makes me appreciate everything so much more.  It makes me want to stay on the phone for one moment longer.  It makes me not want to stay home instead of hanging out with loved ones.  It makes me want to give kiddo one more hug and “I love you”.  It makes me want to go ahead and do those things I had been not doing “because there just isn’t enough time”.

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Where as before I used to always see potential things and avoid doing them.  Telling myself it will wait for another day.  Now that “another day” may never come.  Now I want to experience all those great things.  Now I want kiddo to get to enjoy life with experiences.  I want to fill her life with experiences untold.  I want her to fly.  I want her to see new things.  I want her to have so many of those things that I can give her now.  I want her to live and see what life has to offer.  To me that is the most important thing any more.  Living for the day.  Experiencing for the day.  What new thing is there to do?  What friend or loved one is there to see?

I am no longer looking ahead 30 years. If I make it that far I want to be able to say “I have run out of things to do, I don’t know what to do next!”  To me that is success.  To me that is living.  To me, that is what I want for kiddo.

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Life is beautiful.  Life is as precious as a flower but as immense as a waterfall or a night time sky.  Life has so much to offer and I want to drink of it.  I want to know it.  I want to live without regrets.  I want to do the now instead of the maybe.

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To those that are local to me, if you can think of something crazy and or fun to do, let me know and we can go do it!  Let’s make an experience together.  Let’s make something that no one and no thing can take from us.  Let’s dance in the rain.  Lets smile at a sunrise.  Let’s do all those crazy fun things that the world has to offer!!!

Buckskin!!

Life has been a whirlwind recently. Been ups and downs.  Good news and bad news.  But the last few weeks over all have been good.  I feel like I am on the right path.  But I have been negligent in saying one thing that has been wonderful in my life.

A friend of mine who has horses is letting me work with her horses. Giving up Dill was so hard.  She and I had talked about Dill and horses before everything happened.  The day after I said good bye to Dill, she asked if I would come over and spend some time with one of her horses who just needed some extra attention.

And of course I jumped at the opportunity. And for the past two weeks I have been enjoying helping out with some barn chores and just loving on her beautiful horses.  The beautiful buckskin cross draft is so much fun.  Typical gelding, heck typical horse, he likes to test his limits.  He likes to see what he can get away with.  But most horses are that way.  They are a herd animal and they want to know where they stand in the herd.  If they can get higher in the herd, they will.

So he likes to test the situation but I think he is figuring out where I fit. Last night I just had so much fun loving on him.  I had so much fun cleaning off his well-earned mud.  I had fun getting him to pick up his hooves.  Last night he didn’t really test me.  He just enjoyed the loving, the praise and the attention.

Horses mimic your attitude and feelings. That is why they are so great with therapy.  You get back what you give.  They can sense so much about you that it is like looking into a mirror.  If you are nervous, the horse gets nervous.  Etc.  They are amazing animals.

Last night was the first night where I spent time just loving on him. I could see him loving it.  I could see him appreciating it.  It wasn’t an “okay I will tolerate this human” mentality that I would get occasionally from Dill.  It was, “ohh this is nice!” I got lots of licks with no teeth showing.  I got his head nuzzling up against me.  I had his attention, even when he was eating.  He was paying attention to me.  He was curious about what I was up to.

Having a horse’s curiosity is like them offering up their mind. They are not watching out of fear.  They are not bored with your presence.  But rather they are interested in what you are doing.  They are interested in what you will do next.

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There really is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man, or woman, as the saying goes. There is something about the smell of horse on your hands.  I kept breathing it in all night.  I didn’t want to wash my hands because I knew I would remove the smell.  My heart was content for the experience.  I went home with a sense of joy.  Went home happy for my time with the beautiful buckskin.  I felt accepted because of how he responded to me.

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To this friend, and you know who you are. You have given me a gift beyond monetary value.  You have given me a blessing I never thought of asking for.  I know I say Thank You a lot to you.  But it is because I cannot think of a better phrase for my appreciation.  I love my time mucking or carrying water buckets.  I love scraping mud off from a coat.  I love it all.  And you have given this tired heart so much joy.  You have given me a purpose, a project.  You have given me something to concentrate on rather than my illness.  I feel whole with horses and you have given me time to feel whole.  I am forever in your debt.

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With much love, THANK YOU!

My Dill. Good Bye for now.

I went to see my Dill last night. I cried into his neck and he looked at me like there was something seriously wrong with this human.

It was hilarious, I walked into the cold muddy paddock. I made the clicking noise I always did to get his attention in the field.  He turned his giant quarterhorse head to me.  I could see the typical eye roll that I get from him.  It says “great, Human has come to interrupt my eating time.”  I called “Hi Dilbert” (my affectionate name for Dill).  It is like I could see him make a huge sigh and resigned himself to walk over to me, away from the hay he was so happily enjoying.  This made me so happy.

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This is his “Mommy I had fun in the mud.. don’t be mad at me” face.

 

Back flash here: When I first started leasing Dill he did not want out of the pasture and he would do everything in his power to not be caught.  My first time trying to catch him, he had me running all over the massive paddock trying to catch a fast horse who wanted none of it.  There are initiations in barns.  There are times when people let you learn lessons because you need to… just the hard way. Well I learned how to catch him the hard way.  But he made me work for it, for a while.  So having him come over to me was a demonstration of how far he and I had come.  That or he could smell the treats in my pocket… My treat monster….

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He came over and I gave him a huge hug around his neck. He really doesn’t like these because they do not result in treats.  They confuse him.  I cried into his neck saying how much I would miss him.  And then he started smelling the pockets of my coat.  The treat monster… Granted I did have his favorite molasses treats.  He went pocket to pocket to make sure which one had the treats.  I started laughing and that was the end of the tears.  He and I were back to how we had been before I got too tired to visit him.

I figured I would test him to see if he remembered his tricks I had been working on. I tapped my nose and said “kiss”.  And he did it right away.  Pride in something so simple but we worked hard on that.  He got his treat and from there on he was doing non-stop kisses with a wet muddy nose on my face.  He’d stretch his neck out as far as possible to make sure to get a kiss in.  He did get more treats than I normally would.  He even did a few flexes for me and did his “yes” trick for me where I get him to nod his head.  It was just back to all of our goofy things.

I said Good Bye for now. I know I will be back to visit my Dilbert. And I know he will give me that eye roll and sigh that signals he has resigned himself to me.

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One of my favorite pictures of him. 

Thanks to those that support me

In trying to be honest about how things are, I’m dreading going to treatment tomorrow. It’s #10. My body is getting weaker. The fight is getting harder. The spirit is losing perseverance. I threw a personal temper tantrum tonight not wanting to go. But talking to a blessed friend and mentor, Judy , helped me. Thank you for listening. Thank you for not giving empty statements. Thank you for helping me remember what I’m doing to hopefully make it easier. 
1. I have nothing planned till kiddo coming home Monday night. 

2. I’ve stocked up on flavored seltzer to help keep me hydrated. 

3. I’ve prepared a sausage kale soup (thanks for the suggestion Teddi) so I have yummy easy food. 

4. I have friends and family coming to treatment tomorrow ( thanks Carolyn). 

5. I have a wonderful support group that’ll help if I needed it. 
She also helped remember who is in control of all of this. That I’m still under God’s love and care. 
She helped remind me that I’m a fighter. That I just need to concentrate on the now and not the future. That I will keep on persevering because that’s how I was raised (thanks Sandy and Dad). I’ll keep trying and fighting.  
Thank you Judy!!