Tag Archives: horse

You’ll Be Okay

My theme song going through this has been:

You’ll be okay by a Great Big World

(You’ll be okay You’ll be okay The sun will rise To better days

And change will come It’s on it’s way Just close your eyes And let it rain

‘Cause you’re never alone And I will always be there You just carry on You will understand

You’ll be okay You’ll be okay Just look inside You know the way

Let it go Fly away And say goodbye To yesterday

‘Cause you’re never alone And I will always be there You just carry on You will understand

And I will be strong When love is gone And I’ll carry on…

You’ll be okay You’ll be okay The sun will rise To better days)


And I am getting to better days. I am floating right now. I have found a horse to lease. He seems to have almost chosen me. He came up to me in the field yesterday. Apparently that isn’t something he usually does. It touched my heart so much. It was his choice to come and acknowledge me.

I have been missing having a horse to love on and now I have one (well almost, still haven’t signed the lease…)

He is curious and smart. He will take time for me to get to know and I love that. Plus he is very close to my house so I can pop over and see him so much easier! The owners are awesome too. So fun and happy and carefree! I just feel at home. I don’t want formalness. I want to enjoy a horse. I want to be around people that want the horses to be happy with everything like I do. My theory is a horse should have as much fun as I am. That is just how I am. I don’t want to be selfish and be the only one enjoying the relationship. I want it to go both ways. You don’t see that in all barns. And Cadell’s owners are the same way. You can see it. They are having fun and enjoying life too! That makes me happy.

I struggle being around people not enjoying life. I look at it and go “Life is short, have fun! Look at what I have on my plate and I want to have as much fun as possible. You should too!” Smile and laugh. Enjoy each moment.

Here is to my new relationship with Cadell and his owners!! WOOOHOO happy dance me!!




Life has been a whirlwind recently. Been ups and downs.  Good news and bad news.  But the last few weeks over all have been good.  I feel like I am on the right path.  But I have been negligent in saying one thing that has been wonderful in my life.

A friend of mine who has horses is letting me work with her horses. Giving up Dill was so hard.  She and I had talked about Dill and horses before everything happened.  The day after I said good bye to Dill, she asked if I would come over and spend some time with one of her horses who just needed some extra attention.

And of course I jumped at the opportunity. And for the past two weeks I have been enjoying helping out with some barn chores and just loving on her beautiful horses.  The beautiful buckskin cross draft is so much fun.  Typical gelding, heck typical horse, he likes to test his limits.  He likes to see what he can get away with.  But most horses are that way.  They are a herd animal and they want to know where they stand in the herd.  If they can get higher in the herd, they will.

So he likes to test the situation but I think he is figuring out where I fit. Last night I just had so much fun loving on him.  I had so much fun cleaning off his well-earned mud.  I had fun getting him to pick up his hooves.  Last night he didn’t really test me.  He just enjoyed the loving, the praise and the attention.

Horses mimic your attitude and feelings. That is why they are so great with therapy.  You get back what you give.  They can sense so much about you that it is like looking into a mirror.  If you are nervous, the horse gets nervous.  Etc.  They are amazing animals.

Last night was the first night where I spent time just loving on him. I could see him loving it.  I could see him appreciating it.  It wasn’t an “okay I will tolerate this human” mentality that I would get occasionally from Dill.  It was, “ohh this is nice!” I got lots of licks with no teeth showing.  I got his head nuzzling up against me.  I had his attention, even when he was eating.  He was paying attention to me.  He was curious about what I was up to.

Having a horse’s curiosity is like them offering up their mind. They are not watching out of fear.  They are not bored with your presence.  But rather they are interested in what you are doing.  They are interested in what you will do next.

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There really is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man, or woman, as the saying goes. There is something about the smell of horse on your hands.  I kept breathing it in all night.  I didn’t want to wash my hands because I knew I would remove the smell.  My heart was content for the experience.  I went home with a sense of joy.  Went home happy for my time with the beautiful buckskin.  I felt accepted because of how he responded to me.

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To this friend, and you know who you are. You have given me a gift beyond monetary value.  You have given me a blessing I never thought of asking for.  I know I say Thank You a lot to you.  But it is because I cannot think of a better phrase for my appreciation.  I love my time mucking or carrying water buckets.  I love scraping mud off from a coat.  I love it all.  And you have given this tired heart so much joy.  You have given me a purpose, a project.  You have given me something to concentrate on rather than my illness.  I feel whole with horses and you have given me time to feel whole.  I am forever in your debt.

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With much love, THANK YOU!

My Dill. Good Bye for now.

I went to see my Dill last night. I cried into his neck and he looked at me like there was something seriously wrong with this human.

It was hilarious, I walked into the cold muddy paddock. I made the clicking noise I always did to get his attention in the field.  He turned his giant quarterhorse head to me.  I could see the typical eye roll that I get from him.  It says “great, Human has come to interrupt my eating time.”  I called “Hi Dilbert” (my affectionate name for Dill).  It is like I could see him make a huge sigh and resigned himself to walk over to me, away from the hay he was so happily enjoying.  This made me so happy.

This is his “Mommy I had fun in the mud.. don’t be mad at me” face.


Back flash here: When I first started leasing Dill he did not want out of the pasture and he would do everything in his power to not be caught.  My first time trying to catch him, he had me running all over the massive paddock trying to catch a fast horse who wanted none of it.  There are initiations in barns.  There are times when people let you learn lessons because you need to… just the hard way. Well I learned how to catch him the hard way.  But he made me work for it, for a while.  So having him come over to me was a demonstration of how far he and I had come.  That or he could smell the treats in my pocket… My treat monster….

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He came over and I gave him a huge hug around his neck. He really doesn’t like these because they do not result in treats.  They confuse him.  I cried into his neck saying how much I would miss him.  And then he started smelling the pockets of my coat.  The treat monster… Granted I did have his favorite molasses treats.  He went pocket to pocket to make sure which one had the treats.  I started laughing and that was the end of the tears.  He and I were back to how we had been before I got too tired to visit him.

I figured I would test him to see if he remembered his tricks I had been working on. I tapped my nose and said “kiss”.  And he did it right away.  Pride in something so simple but we worked hard on that.  He got his treat and from there on he was doing non-stop kisses with a wet muddy nose on my face.  He’d stretch his neck out as far as possible to make sure to get a kiss in.  He did get more treats than I normally would.  He even did a few flexes for me and did his “yes” trick for me where I get him to nod his head.  It was just back to all of our goofy things.

I said Good Bye for now. I know I will be back to visit my Dilbert. And I know he will give me that eye roll and sigh that signals he has resigned himself to me.

One of my favorite pictures of him. 

Saying Good Bye to My Dill

Today I say good bye to Dill. Today I say good bye to my refuge.  I have been quiet on him for the last month because it breaks my heart, but my body doesn’t have the energy for the drive to go and see him.  He was my “first” horse.  He was the first one that wasn’t just a lesson horse to me.  He taught me so much.  He has taught me how much work it is to form a bond with a horse.  He taught me that I have to fight for the right of him to trust me.  I learned how to fight against the fear that going on trails can give.  He taught me that falling off a horse hurts.  He has taught me how to sit out spooks and has given me a better seat for it.  He has taught me that I have some skill with horses.  That my demeanor works well with horses.  He has taught me that I am stuck with loving and wanting horses for the rest of my life.


I have no disillusionment that he will be just at happy sitting the pasture not having to deal with humans. That is who he is.  He doesn’t crave that interaction.  He does crave treats though.   Oh that is another thing he taught me… limit the treats or a horse can get very pestering for them.  And having a 1200 lb animal wanting more treats is not what you want.


I have learned that I love ground work. I love teaching tricks and grazing him.  Just sitting there watching him eat the pretty grass that isn’t in the pasture.


I have learned that horses and barns are in my blood. And once it is there, nothing will change that.

I have learned that a barn family is as close as a family. I love and adore my barn family.  It breaks my heart as much to leave them.  They have been with me through thick and thin.  They never laughed at me when I asked for help.  They were always encouraging to this green gal.  They laughed and enjoyed all the silly tricks I taught Dill.  I would sit in the barn for an hour after being done with Dill and him being in the pasture.  I would sit there and hang out with my barn family.  That was part of the ritual.  That was part of what I enjoyed so much.

So now I have to go and say good bye to my beloved horse. And I know there will be another in my future, but he will always hold a special part of my heart.  He didn’t make it easy for me.  He made me work for everything.  And while it frustrated me time to time, I am so glad he did that.  I am a better person (not just a horse person) because of him.

So here is to moving forward on the path that God has created. And hoping that the joy on the other will be more than worth it.

Present Time!

I have been struggling with all the chaos of life of late. But it is amazing when I can see God working a miracle or a surprise.

A few weeks ago I found out my horse lesson trainer was moving to Texas to be with her significant other. I can’t blame her for that.  And then I had a sudden energy drop from the chemo that pushed me to decide that December is my last month for leasing my precious Dill.  It broke my heart to do that.  I was devastated.  I was in constant tears.


I yelled and screamed at God that hadn’t he taken enough from me? Hadn’t he removed enough from my life with everything I had been going through? And it wasn’t a financial decision to stop my lease but an energy decision.  I just didn’t have the energy for the hour and half round trip to see him.  I was going to bed so early due to the exhaustion.  I just didn’t have the physical ability to go out and see my precious horse. It seriously broke me to make that decision and it still does.  But I know it was and is the right choice.

But wow did I yell and scream at God. Hadn’t I been through enough to now lose the one thing where I forget I am sick?  The one thing where I forget about my daily fight against my own body.  To say I was throwing temper tantrums is an understatement.  I was the petulant little child refusing to accept what Daddy is saying is best for us.

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Then yesterday something peculiar happened. I was at Kiddo’s horse lesson with another trainer and found out that yesterday was the last time we would have lessons.  The trainer is making decisions that are hard to make but needed to be made.  And the result is no more lessons for Kiddo.

And the first thing I saw was a door opening in front of me. Suddenly kiddo and I are unbound to any horses.  God has cleared the path for something amazing to come in.  I can see and anticipate a present sitting there for us.  I do not know what it will be.  But now I am like a little kid sitting and waiting for Christmas day to open the present.  I have no idea what it might be but I am sure it will be perfect.  I just have to wait till God says it is time to open the present.

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For a month I have been crying out for a sign that I am on the right path. That I am doing what I need to do.  I have asked for an angel to come down and tell me I will make it through this battle of mine.  And of course no angel has showed up.  However, there is an open door in front of me.  And it is a huge open door.  And it has filled me with joy and peace.

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I am sure some think I am just looking for things. But the coincidence of all of these things falling at the same time is so small.  This is how God works.  He clears the path before us.  And it isn’t always in the way we expect or hope.  However, it is clear for Him to work now.  And now I need to just be patient and wait for the unveiling time.

I am being just like that little kid though. I am picturing all the options.  A big happy horse, two horses so kiddo and I can ride together, a perfect barn, a unicorn… So am I being realistic?  Maybe not but I am a bouncing little kid sitting at my father’s feet waiting for the gift.  And for right now, I need that desperately.  I need that joy and peace.  I need to know that the path is in the hand of someone who knows better than me.  I need to know that everything is being taken care of.

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And so here I sit.

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Horse and apples

Today I had Dill (my half lease horse) bobbing for Apple quarters.  I needed the laugh. I needed the smiles.  He seemed to enjoy it too. When I first leased him he’d become vacant eyes with me, and now he’s doing things like this.

I’m so happy with him.  My time with him is a buffer from everything going on. I can’t remember or think of them.  With him, it’s just him and me.  He’s my blessing.