I have been grumbling a lot. I have been complaining a lot. I don’t know if that is good or bad. Is it good that I am processing what I am going through? Is it good that I see the reality of what life might hold for me? Or am I focusing on the negative and not the positive? If you focus on the negative, that is all you will see. Have I become that person? I don’t want to be that person.
However I do use this blog to voice my darker thoughts. The ones that people don’t want to hear. The ones where people give some sort of simple answer to get me to move past the grief and dread and fear in my heart.
No one wants to hear that this is tough. No one wants the honesty that planning for retirement seems like a joke now. Or when I hear people say in 5 years they are going to do something, that I think “I hope to live that long and that will be against odds”. When people say “just wait till kiddo is a teenager” and I think “I would be so lucky to see that, but it might not happen”.
When people say “well any day you could be hit by a bus and that would be the end.” And that is the hardest thing because it is belittling what I live with hanging around my neck. Others don’t have to go to chemo every other week. People don’t have their bodies trying to kill them. People don’t have to walk every day with the knowledge that I might not see my kid driving. That I might not see her first boyfriend. Things that all parents take for granted are now wishes and dreams for me.
So maybe I have been grumbling too much but my reality sucks. There is no easy way around it. My reality sucks. And I am trying to make the best of it, but it is hard to do sometimes. It is hard to see the rays of sunlight through the darkness that is my future.
So I am going to try to find some good things and list them here. To hopefully change my point of view.
I am still working full time and am managing to hold my own doing it. Most are amazed that after 6 months of chemo that I can still work and I am. It isn’t as taxing as one would think. I am doing it
I have amazing friends and family who love and support me. They each have their own gifts. They help in their own special ways which I can’t express my appreciation enough. They all offer me love in so many blessed ways! Never have I felt so loved
I have Kiddo. The one biggest blessing in my life. She and I are friends. We work as a team. We have a system that works. I don’t have to yell at her (except when we are trying to leave for school). She and I have a system that is ours and ours alone. She has a will power that I envy. She has an amazing mind. She has a great heart. She is so creative and comes up with so many crazy awesome ideas. My Kiddo is my world. My Kiddo is my heart. I love her so much!
I am about to go off one of my hardest hitting/side-effect drugs with my next treatment. This I such a huge relief. To know next time should be easier. To know that I shouldn’t have as much of a burden for my next treatments is wonderful.
That my CT scan was good. That nothing increase, that there aren’t new cancer spots in my body. I had been having some pains that had me so scared. So very scared that they were going to find cancer in new places. But for now it is staying place and not growing.
That I have a break from chemo pending. I will get a break from having to do this every other week. I don’t know when that will be, but knowing it is pending is good.
God has this. I might be frustrated with Him. I might feel dejected because of Him. But I know He has something wonderful coming out of this. It is hard to think of what the cost to me might be. But I know with complete certainty that when I get to heaven it will be worth it. I might yell at God saying “stop this torture of me”. I might scream at Him that I need something good to come my way. But at the end of the day, I know He has this. And somehow it will be the most amazing and beautiful story.
I am grateful to have the fortitude that I have. I have gained it through lots of trials in my life. But that is what is keeping me going. The me of 4 years ago would be a puddle on the floor. And know what? I am not there. I am still laughing, I am still enjoying life. I am still standing straight and fighting on. I am not giving up.
As much as I hate being a martyr I am grateful to be able to serve His kingdom. This one I go back and forth on, but honestly I know it will be so beautiful when all is said and done.
That I am given a chance to really enjoy kiddo. I don’t know how other parents are, but there were times where I was biding my time till another age. Now I enjoy every moment with her. She gets more hugs and kisses. She gets to hear how precious she is to me. I get to tell her how much I love her. We get to do fun things that otherwise I would put aside for later. For me there might not be a later. Now is the moment to do things, to experience life. And I am so glad that I have been given this chance.
Nothing is taken for granted any more. I know that my lifespan will be impacted by cancer. But I appreciate everything so much more. I appreciate little things and big things. I don’t waste time with uselessness. Instead I enjoy every moment in front of me. And I want to share that with others. I want others to see the joy. I want others to be able to do the same. To enjoy the here and now. It really is so precious.
I can see how precious everything is. Everything is so precious. Every emotion, every second. Every single one is a gift from God. And is something that is to be valued!
I want a present. Not a Christmas present. But I want a present to say “thank you for going through this”. One that makes me feel like all the work is appreciated by God. I want a crown to say “look how awesome I am.” Is that wrong? To want something that I can look at and say confidently that I am fighting the good fight. That I am doing what I should do. Something that I can stare at and know it is all worthwhile. Heck a pat on the head from God would help. Just to know He is proud of me. That He appreciates that I am going through this and still fighting.
I want something tangible. I want a reward for my suffering. Maybe someone to suddenly pay my rent for a year. Or someone to buy me horse and pay for the keep of the horse. Or to suddenly be able to have something amazing. The funny thing is that I don’t know that I would accept such things. But there is a huge part of me that wants something massive as compensation for the suffering I go through.
I want to know that I am doing what I am supposed to do. I want to know it is appreciated and worthwhile. I have lost so much that I love. I fight to keep my head up and moving forward. I fight to keep my job. I fight to do the best I can for kiddo. I fight to stay alive. I get injected with poison every other week and deal with feeling bad for 4 days. And none of this is stuff I have chosen, but it is the truth of what I have to do.
The options of other things to do is just not acceptable. As much as I want to give up fighting, I know I won’t. Kiddo is too important. It just isn’t in me to give up, no matter how much I want to do it.
So instead I keep fighting and trying to keep life as normal as I can manage. But here I sit wanting something. Something I can hold onto during the struggles. Something I can latch onto when I want to give up the most. And I can’t even say what that would be. I need something to hold onto so I can have hope.
The hope has eroded with time. It is so thin and fragile any more. The slightest breeze and I am sure it will break. It likes to hide from me frequently, especially when I am fighting off side effects of chemo like I am right now.
I need something to hold onto so Hope doesn’t need to hide. I had such faith in the beginning. I had such hope in the beginning but time has eroded it to a fragile thing that doesn’t hold up well any more.
God please send me a present. One that can give me something to support my Hope. Something that will booster my faith. Something that will help me remember this is all worth it. That I am fighting for a good and great reason. That I should keep fighting. God it is all you to do this.
I think of ancient Rome. The Christian Martyrs. Those forced to be stoned or go into the coliseum. And now I feel companionship with them. With them I always picture them bravely going to their deaths. I wish I was able to do that.
I feel like a martyr. I keep saying God is having me walk this path for His glory. The thing is that I am paying the price for others to see His glory. I wish I was able to be at peace with that like Stephen was. But I am not. I despise the path I am on. I despise that I am being used in this way. That I need to suffer for others. Is that selfish? Probably but it is the truth.
I am the one that has to look at a shortened life span. Look at the fact that I won’t have a long life with kiddo. Yes, things might change but right now that is the truth by the medical community. There are always exceptions but I can’t really hold onto that any more. It doesn’t hold much hope for me.
I am walking towards the coliseum not knowing if my path will change before I walk out into the slaughtering grounds for the martyrs. I keep having to take steps towards that. Yes, my test results show good things, but I am still looking ahead hoping to just make it to kiddo’s graduation.
I keep praying and asking for God to send an angel to me. An angel that will explain why I need to suffer the way I do. I want an angel to come and give me hope. The good results gave me a little hope but not as much as I was anticipating. I would love to have an angel come to me and stand in my path. And the angel says “have faith, your path will not end in death from this disease. You will be rewarded for what you have been asked to go through.” I want to know that fighting serves a purpose. That it will result in a win for me. Maybe that is selfish but that is what I am hoping and praying for.
I have been struggling with all the chaos of life of late. But it is amazing when I can see God working a miracle or a surprise.
A few weeks ago I found out my horse lesson trainer was moving to Texas to be with her significant other. I can’t blame her for that. And then I had a sudden energy drop from the chemo that pushed me to decide that December is my last month for leasing my precious Dill. It broke my heart to do that. I was devastated. I was in constant tears.
I yelled and screamed at God that hadn’t he taken enough from me? Hadn’t he removed enough from my life with everything I had been going through? And it wasn’t a financial decision to stop my lease but an energy decision. I just didn’t have the energy for the hour and half round trip to see him. I was going to bed so early due to the exhaustion. I just didn’t have the physical ability to go out and see my precious horse. It seriously broke me to make that decision and it still does. But I know it was and is the right choice.
But wow did I yell and scream at God. Hadn’t I been through enough to now lose the one thing where I forget I am sick? The one thing where I forget about my daily fight against my own body. To say I was throwing temper tantrums is an understatement. I was the petulant little child refusing to accept what Daddy is saying is best for us.
Then yesterday something peculiar happened. I was at Kiddo’s horse lesson with another trainer and found out that yesterday was the last time we would have lessons. The trainer is making decisions that are hard to make but needed to be made. And the result is no more lessons for Kiddo.
And the first thing I saw was a door opening in front of me. Suddenly kiddo and I are unbound to any horses. God has cleared the path for something amazing to come in. I can see and anticipate a present sitting there for us. I do not know what it will be. But now I am like a little kid sitting and waiting for Christmas day to open the present. I have no idea what it might be but I am sure it will be perfect. I just have to wait till God says it is time to open the present.
For a month I have been crying out for a sign that I am on the right path. That I am doing what I need to do. I have asked for an angel to come down and tell me I will make it through this battle of mine. And of course no angel has showed up. However, there is an open door in front of me. And it is a huge open door. And it has filled me with joy and peace.
I am sure some think I am just looking for things. But the coincidence of all of these things falling at the same time is so small. This is how God works. He clears the path before us. And it isn’t always in the way we expect or hope. However, it is clear for Him to work now. And now I need to just be patient and wait for the unveiling time.
I am being just like that little kid though. I am picturing all the options. A big happy horse, two horses so kiddo and I can ride together, a perfect barn, a unicorn… So am I being realistic? Maybe not but I am a bouncing little kid sitting at my father’s feet waiting for the gift. And for right now, I need that desperately. I need that joy and peace. I need to know that the path is in the hand of someone who knows better than me. I need to know that everything is being taken care of.
I’ve always wanted to leave a mark in the world. I think many of us do. We want to know our lives stood for something. And this may sound terrible. But somehow me going through this, and being honest about the ups and downs has done that. I personally don’t understand it. But in a (maybe selfish) way it helps justify to me about going through this. I do feel selfish in saying this, but knowing I’m having some sort of impact makes a difference. Makes the joys and struggles seem more justified. I am not doing anything spectacular though. It is Him that is doing it. He’s the one that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other. It is him that keeps me striving. All glory and praise to Him.
Day 16 thankfulness
Thankful for God who does things that are good for His people. We may not understand it, and at the time we may not like it. However His plan is more beautiful than we can ever understand. Yes I struggle with the why and how come of my situation. But I know it will be the best. Just need to hold onto that verse through the deep waters.
Recently I’ve been thinking sadly of the things I’ve lost because of cancer.
Neuropathy. I can’t feel completely the bottom of my feet. This came from my first time battling the Ugly C.
The long view of life is now fuzzy. With the shortened life span the drs give me.
Every other weekend. Now I have to sleep through 4 days straight to just try and work full time.
Energy. I have less energy. I want to go to bed early every night.
Free time. I’m limited on what I have. I’m sleeping. I’m healing. Trying to keep life running. I just don’t have the time I used to have.
Books. I used to have a book always with me. Any free time and I was reading. Chemo the first time around just made it hard to stay concentrated on a book. In 3 1/2 years I have not read a book. I do listen to audio books nonstop. But I’m always multitasking.
Computer games. Same as books. But this is a new addition with this time through chemo.
Careless living. That goes out the door when drs say only a few years left.
Long term plans. How much can you plan ahead with that over your head?
Now Dill. The travel to him is eating up too much time. An hour and half round trip is getting harder with my lack of energy and resulting free time.
Its insult to injury at this point. I’ve been saying, and I still believe it, that God will do something amazing through this. I’m just afraid of what more will be asked of me. How much more will I need to give?
God, i will do it. Just let me know it turns out Good in the end.