This is as good as it gets…..

So I started one thing and it turned into this.  It was dark and gloomy, it was complaining, yet again, about my lot in life.  But the thing is, I don’t feel like that now.  I really don’t.

Yeah life has the potential to get crappier and crappier.  Yeah life has the potential to get harder and more taxing on me.  But the fact is that right now I am enjoying most of my life.  If you exclude the chemo parts (which I like to ignore when I am not dealing with it), my life is doing well.

I have this amazing daughter that I adore.  She is a riot.  She keeps my on my toes.  This has taught me that you can’t say you love someone enough.  You can’t tell them how amazing they are enough.  There is no limit on what praises and joys you can spend their way.  I can’t stop hugging her or staring at her precious face.  I look at her picture and I see the joy of the world in it.  I see the hope and prospects.  I see the culmination of my life.  I see everything I have worked so hard for.  I have worked for her to be a free spirit.  I have worked for her to be able to voice who and what she is.  I have worked for her to have the spine to stand up for what she is.  I have worked hard for her to see the joy in the world, to be able to laugh and dance in the rain.  I see her and I see me in a precious way.

Image result for hope

I have this amazing support staff of friends and family.  I have learned how to lean (sometimes) on them.  I am still working on being gracious about that.  However it amazes me how many people care about my life.  And this experience has given me that.  I have forged deeper friendships then I ever had in the past.  I have sought out others more than I would in the past.

I have opportunities still in my path.  Those that I look forward to exploring.

So while the path might get harder for me.  So while the path may never be easier for me.  So while my luck still stinks.  There are all these rays of light around.  There are all these things that bring me happiness and joy.  There are all these precious gems that I wouldn’t give up for a million years.

There is a part of me that can’t remember what it was like to look at life without a time clock over one’s head.  I look at things as possible last times.  I look at things of “who knows when…” And that makes me appreciate everything so much more.  It makes me want to stay on the phone for one moment longer.  It makes me not want to stay home instead of hanging out with loved ones.  It makes me want to give kiddo one more hug and “I love you”.  It makes me want to go ahead and do those things I had been not doing “because there just isn’t enough time”.

Image result for time

Where as before I used to always see potential things and avoid doing them.  Telling myself it will wait for another day.  Now that “another day” may never come.  Now I want to experience all those great things.  Now I want kiddo to get to enjoy life with experiences.  I want to fill her life with experiences untold.  I want her to fly.  I want her to see new things.  I want her to have so many of those things that I can give her now.  I want her to live and see what life has to offer.  To me that is the most important thing any more.  Living for the day.  Experiencing for the day.  What new thing is there to do?  What friend or loved one is there to see?

I am no longer looking ahead 30 years. If I make it that far I want to be able to say “I have run out of things to do, I don’t know what to do next!”  To me that is success.  To me that is living.  To me, that is what I want for kiddo.

Image result for joy

Life is beautiful.  Life is as precious as a flower but as immense as a waterfall or a night time sky.  Life has so much to offer and I want to drink of it.  I want to know it.  I want to live without regrets.  I want to do the now instead of the maybe.

Image result for dance in rain

To those that are local to me, if you can think of something crazy and or fun to do, let me know and we can go do it!  Let’s make an experience together.  Let’s make something that no one and no thing can take from us.  Let’s dance in the rain.  Lets smile at a sunrise.  Let’s do all those crazy fun things that the world has to offer!!!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s