The Emotional Bucket

There is a point where no more emotions are available. I have never reached that before but now I think I am there.  I don’t think I can cry or freak out any more.  Over the past 7-8 months I have been through the following things:

  • July 1 – find out at my quarterly cancer checkup, that cancer is back and it has moved to new locations. Over the next week I have a painful biopsy, scan and fear running through my head.
  • About a week later I find out I have Stage IV colon cancer and that the dr only gives me a few months to a few years to live. A week later I get a chemo port installed and the following day start FOLFIRI chemo.
  • End of July my ex-husband decides he wants to change our custody agreement in massive ways and starts a two-month long fight.

img_3556-1

  • End of August my grandmother, one of my greatest role models dies at 90. I saw her a week before she passed but because she had mersa I couldn’t even hug her to say goodbye. I couldn’t touch her.

img_1608

  • Next two months there is chaos in the family trying to figure out what to do with my 92-year-old grandfather and some of his stuff. Just utter chaos.
  • October I get good news that my masses had shrunk some and their energy uptake was drastically reduced.
  • December my energy drastically reduces to the point that I can no longer go to see Dill. He is just too far from me. He is my stress relief and now I need to give him up.
  • End of December I say Good Bye to Dill. The time leading up was dreadful.

img_3454-1

  • January, money gets tight because my job is switching us to a new pay schedule so I have three weeks with no pay. I budgeted well however surprises happen.
  • January I have a friend who lets me play with her buckskin horse. I have some stress relief back. Happy, Happy me!
  • January I reduce my chemo drugs because. More happy dances!
  • January I hit a deer. Nothing too bad but another thing to deal with and a deductible to pay
  • January I start on new health insurance and have to fight for my first treatment. Ugh… changing insurance stinks!!!!!!
  • Find out Dill has EPM. It is a mild case but still. Hearing he is sick, I just stare at walls knowing I can’t do anything for him.
  • Find out my oil tank gauge isn’t as accurate as I hoped. I have to wait until it gets under ¼ tanks to get the minimum delivery from my oil delivery company. Well apparently it jumps from ¼ to empty suddenly as I had been watching it. So I come home to a cold house and have drain my bank account to pay cash for an emergency delivery. And I stare at my walls.

I don’t know how many crazy things I can go through. However, I have been riding a rollercoaster for a while.  All the while dealing with having a potentially fatal cancer and all that implies.

The odd thing is I am doing well. I am not freaking out.  I am not stressing out.  I just shrug and go “okay let’s deal with this now” or “Oh cool, I got a present” (which I still get excited about).  I try to swing everything to the good side.  I try so hard because I have enough on the bad side.

cancer warrior

When talking with Ch the other night, he recommended that I am emotionally drained. That I just can’t process any more on an emotional level.  Logically I can, but emotionally I struggle.  If it isn’t good, then no emotion surfaces.  That bank of emotions is empty.  That bank of emotions has nothing left.  It has been drained of everything over the last 7 months.  But the benefit that the cloud of depression has lifted.  And it lifted when I left Dill at the end of December.  That cloud doesn’t exist here anymore.

I suspect if I found somewhere safe, in arms that were safe, I would find out the tank isn’t empty. But do I really want to go through that?  Do I really want to let it out?  I am tired of crying and being stressed.  I am tired of the two months of hell that November and December were.  I don’t want to go back there.  I am enjoying being in a good mood most of the time.  But I wonder if that is why I am so painfully exhausted?  I had to do everything in my power today to not fall asleep at my desk.  I had more coffee than usual.  I had more sugar than usual.  But still I feel like I am in a zombie state.  I just want to go home, take a hot bath, and go to bed.  That is all I want to do.  That or curl into some safe arms and fall asleep.  But that option isn’t available unless you count Digit, my lovely dog.  But she isn’t the same.

digit1

I really have been through a lot in the last 7 months. I have been through more than my fair share.  I am fighting for my life plus dealing with all the other sporadic things that happened above.  I think I have experienced enough for now.  I would like to get to have an easy pass for a while.  A pass where only good happens.  And don’t get me wrong.  January really has been a good month for blessings from God.  I am surprised continually by His foresight and His level of protection.  I am surprised by His level of providing.  However, this body is tired.  This soul is tired.  This heart and mind are tired.  They need some rest.  They need a safe place where bad things don’t bother them.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s