There is a point where no more emotions are available. I have never reached that before but now I think I am there. I don’t think I can cry or freak out any more. Over the past 7-8 months I have been through the following things:
- July 1 – find out at my quarterly cancer checkup, that cancer is back and it has moved to new locations. Over the next week I have a painful biopsy, scan and fear running through my head.
- About a week later I find out I have Stage IV colon cancer and that the dr only gives me a few months to a few years to live. A week later I get a chemo port installed and the following day start FOLFIRI chemo.
- End of July my ex-husband decides he wants to change our custody agreement in massive ways and starts a two-month long fight.
- End of August my grandmother, one of my greatest role models dies at 90. I saw her a week before she passed but because she had mersa I couldn’t even hug her to say goodbye. I couldn’t touch her.
- Next two months there is chaos in the family trying to figure out what to do with my 92-year-old grandfather and some of his stuff. Just utter chaos.
- October I get good news that my masses had shrunk some and their energy uptake was drastically reduced.
- December my energy drastically reduces to the point that I can no longer go to see Dill. He is just too far from me. He is my stress relief and now I need to give him up.
- End of December I say Good Bye to Dill. The time leading up was dreadful.
- January, money gets tight because my job is switching us to a new pay schedule so I have three weeks with no pay. I budgeted well however surprises happen.
- January I have a friend who lets me play with her buckskin horse. I have some stress relief back. Happy, Happy me!
- January I reduce my chemo drugs because. More happy dances!
- January I hit a deer. Nothing too bad but another thing to deal with and a deductible to pay
- January I start on new health insurance and have to fight for my first treatment. Ugh… changing insurance stinks!!!!!!
- Find out Dill has EPM. It is a mild case but still. Hearing he is sick, I just stare at walls knowing I can’t do anything for him.
- Find out my oil tank gauge isn’t as accurate as I hoped. I have to wait until it gets under ¼ tanks to get the minimum delivery from my oil delivery company. Well apparently it jumps from ¼ to empty suddenly as I had been watching it. So I come home to a cold house and have drain my bank account to pay cash for an emergency delivery. And I stare at my walls.
I don’t know how many crazy things I can go through. However, I have been riding a rollercoaster for a while. All the while dealing with having a potentially fatal cancer and all that implies.
The odd thing is I am doing well. I am not freaking out. I am not stressing out. I just shrug and go “okay let’s deal with this now” or “Oh cool, I got a present” (which I still get excited about). I try to swing everything to the good side. I try so hard because I have enough on the bad side.
When talking with Ch the other night, he recommended that I am emotionally drained. That I just can’t process any more on an emotional level. Logically I can, but emotionally I struggle. If it isn’t good, then no emotion surfaces. That bank of emotions is empty. That bank of emotions has nothing left. It has been drained of everything over the last 7 months. But the benefit that the cloud of depression has lifted. And it lifted when I left Dill at the end of December. That cloud doesn’t exist here anymore.
I suspect if I found somewhere safe, in arms that were safe, I would find out the tank isn’t empty. But do I really want to go through that? Do I really want to let it out? I am tired of crying and being stressed. I am tired of the two months of hell that November and December were. I don’t want to go back there. I am enjoying being in a good mood most of the time. But I wonder if that is why I am so painfully exhausted? I had to do everything in my power today to not fall asleep at my desk. I had more coffee than usual. I had more sugar than usual. But still I feel like I am in a zombie state. I just want to go home, take a hot bath, and go to bed. That is all I want to do. That or curl into some safe arms and fall asleep. But that option isn’t available unless you count Digit, my lovely dog. But she isn’t the same.
I really have been through a lot in the last 7 months. I have been through more than my fair share. I am fighting for my life plus dealing with all the other sporadic things that happened above. I think I have experienced enough for now. I would like to get to have an easy pass for a while. A pass where only good happens. And don’t get me wrong. January really has been a good month for blessings from God. I am surprised continually by His foresight and His level of protection. I am surprised by His level of providing. However, this body is tired. This soul is tired. This heart and mind are tired. They need some rest. They need a safe place where bad things don’t bother them.