I want a present. Not a Christmas present. But I want a present to say “thank you for going through this”. One that makes me feel like all the work is appreciated by God. I want a crown to say “look how awesome I am.” Is that wrong? To want something that I can look at and say confidently that I am fighting the good fight. That I am doing what I should do. Something that I can stare at and know it is all worthwhile. Heck a pat on the head from God would help. Just to know He is proud of me. That He appreciates that I am going through this and still fighting.
I want something tangible. I want a reward for my suffering. Maybe someone to suddenly pay my rent for a year. Or someone to buy me horse and pay for the keep of the horse. Or to suddenly be able to have something amazing. The funny thing is that I don’t know that I would accept such things. But there is a huge part of me that wants something massive as compensation for the suffering I go through.
I want to know that I am doing what I am supposed to do. I want to know it is appreciated and worthwhile. I have lost so much that I love. I fight to keep my head up and moving forward. I fight to keep my job. I fight to do the best I can for kiddo. I fight to stay alive. I get injected with poison every other week and deal with feeling bad for 4 days. And none of this is stuff I have chosen, but it is the truth of what I have to do.
The options of other things to do is just not acceptable. As much as I want to give up fighting, I know I won’t. Kiddo is too important. It just isn’t in me to give up, no matter how much I want to do it.
So instead I keep fighting and trying to keep life as normal as I can manage. But here I sit wanting something. Something I can hold onto during the struggles. Something I can latch onto when I want to give up the most. And I can’t even say what that would be. I need something to hold onto so I can have hope.
The hope has eroded with time. It is so thin and fragile any more. The slightest breeze and I am sure it will break. It likes to hide from me frequently, especially when I am fighting off side effects of chemo like I am right now.
I need something to hold onto so Hope doesn’t need to hide. I had such faith in the beginning. I had such hope in the beginning but time has eroded it to a fragile thing that doesn’t hold up well any more.
God please send me a present. One that can give me something to support my Hope. Something that will booster my faith. Something that will help me remember this is all worth it. That I am fighting for a good and great reason. That I should keep fighting. God it is all you to do this.