Where are Presents for Hope and Faith?

I want a present. Not a Christmas present.  But I want a present to say “thank you for going through this”.  One that makes me feel like all the work is appreciated by God.  I want a crown to say “look how awesome I am.”  Is that wrong?  To want something that I can look at and say confidently that I am fighting the good fight.  That I am doing what I should do.  Something that I can stare at and know it is all worthwhile.  Heck a pat on the head from God would help.  Just to know He is proud of me.  That He appreciates that I am going through this and still fighting.

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I want something tangible. I want a reward for my suffering.  Maybe someone to suddenly pay my rent for a year.  Or someone to buy me horse and pay for the keep of the horse.  Or to suddenly be able to have something amazing.  The funny thing is that I don’t know that I would accept such things.  But there is a huge part of me that wants something massive as compensation for the suffering I go through.

I want to know that I am doing what I am supposed to do. I want to know it is appreciated and worthwhile.  I have lost so much that I love.  I fight to keep my head up and moving forward.  I fight to keep my job.  I fight to do the best I can for kiddo.  I fight to stay alive.  I get injected with poison every other week and deal with feeling bad for 4 days.  And none of this is stuff I have chosen, but it is the truth of what I have to do.

My hair has gone from beautiful and flowing to now this. This is the shortest I have ever had my hair and I miss my long hair so much!

The options of other things to do is just not acceptable. As much as I want to give up fighting, I know I won’t.  Kiddo is too important.  It just isn’t in me to give up, no matter how much I want to do it.

So instead I keep fighting and trying to keep life as normal as I can manage. But here I sit wanting something.  Something I can hold onto during the struggles.  Something I can latch onto when I want to give up the most.  And I can’t even say what that would be.  I need something to hold onto so I can have hope.

The hope has eroded with time. It is so thin and fragile any more.  The slightest breeze and I am sure it will break.  It likes to hide from me frequently, especially when I am fighting off side effects of chemo like I am right now.

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I need something to hold onto so Hope doesn’t need to hide. I had such faith in the beginning. I had such hope in the beginning but time has eroded it to a fragile thing that doesn’t hold up well any more.

God please send me a present. One that can give me something to support my Hope.  Something that will booster my faith.  Something that will help me remember this is all worth it.  That I am fighting for a good and great reason.  That I should keep fighting.  God it is all you to do this.


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