I have been grumbling a lot. I have been complaining a lot. I don’t know if that is good or bad. Is it good that I am processing what I am going through? Is it good that I see the reality of what life might hold for me? Or am I focusing on the negative and not the positive? If you focus on the negative, that is all you will see. Have I become that person? I don’t want to be that person.
However I do use this blog to voice my darker thoughts. The ones that people don’t want to hear. The ones where people give some sort of simple answer to get me to move past the grief and dread and fear in my heart.
No one wants to hear that this is tough. No one wants the honesty that planning for retirement seems like a joke now. Or when I hear people say in 5 years they are going to do something, that I think “I hope to live that long and that will be against odds”. When people say “just wait till kiddo is a teenager” and I think “I would be so lucky to see that, but it might not happen”.
When people say “well any day you could be hit by a bus and that would be the end.” And that is the hardest thing because it is belittling what I live with hanging around my neck. Others don’t have to go to chemo every other week. People don’t have their bodies trying to kill them. People don’t have to walk every day with the knowledge that I might not see my kid driving. That I might not see her first boyfriend. Things that all parents take for granted are now wishes and dreams for me.
So maybe I have been grumbling too much but my reality sucks. There is no easy way around it. My reality sucks. And I am trying to make the best of it, but it is hard to do sometimes. It is hard to see the rays of sunlight through the darkness that is my future.
So I am going to try to find some good things and list them here. To hopefully change my point of view.
- I am still working full time and am managing to hold my own doing it. Most are amazed that after 6 months of chemo that I can still work and I am. It isn’t as taxing as one would think. I am doing it
- I have amazing friends and family who love and support me. They each have their own gifts. They help in their own special ways which I can’t express my appreciation enough. They all offer me love in so many blessed ways! Never have I felt so loved
- I have Kiddo. The one biggest blessing in my life. She and I are friends. We work as a team. We have a system that works. I don’t have to yell at her (except when we are trying to leave for school). She and I have a system that is ours and ours alone. She has a will power that I envy. She has an amazing mind. She has a great heart. She is so creative and comes up with so many crazy awesome ideas. My Kiddo is my world. My Kiddo is my heart. I love her so much!
- I am about to go off one of my hardest hitting/side-effect drugs with my next treatment. This I such a huge relief. To know next time should be easier. To know that I shouldn’t have as much of a burden for my next treatments is wonderful.
- That my CT scan was good. That nothing increase, that there aren’t new cancer spots in my body. I had been having some pains that had me so scared. So very scared that they were going to find cancer in new places. But for now it is staying place and not growing.
- That I have a break from chemo pending. I will get a break from having to do this every other week. I don’t know when that will be, but knowing it is pending is good.
- God has this. I might be frustrated with Him. I might feel dejected because of Him. But I know He has something wonderful coming out of this. It is hard to think of what the cost to me might be. But I know with complete certainty that when I get to heaven it will be worth it. I might yell at God saying “stop this torture of me”. I might scream at Him that I need something good to come my way. But at the end of the day, I know He has this. And somehow it will be the most amazing and beautiful story.
- I am grateful to have the fortitude that I have. I have gained it through lots of trials in my life. But that is what is keeping me going. The me of 4 years ago would be a puddle on the floor. And know what? I am not there. I am still laughing, I am still enjoying life. I am still standing straight and fighting on. I am not giving up.
- As much as I hate being a martyr I am grateful to be able to serve His kingdom. This one I go back and forth on, but honestly I know it will be so beautiful when all is said and done.
- That I am given a chance to really enjoy kiddo. I don’t know how other parents are, but there were times where I was biding my time till another age. Now I enjoy every moment with her. She gets more hugs and kisses. She gets to hear how precious she is to me. I get to tell her how much I love her. We get to do fun things that otherwise I would put aside for later. For me there might not be a later. Now is the moment to do things, to experience life. And I am so glad that I have been given this chance.
- Nothing is taken for granted any more. I know that my lifespan will be impacted by cancer. But I appreciate everything so much more. I appreciate little things and big things. I don’t waste time with uselessness. Instead I enjoy every moment in front of me. And I want to share that with others. I want others to see the joy. I want others to be able to do the same. To enjoy the here and now. It really is so precious.
- I can see how precious everything is. Everything is so precious. Every emotion, every second. Every single one is a gift from God. And is something that is to be valued!