I have been struggling with all the chaos of life of late. But it is amazing when I can see God working a miracle or a surprise.
A few weeks ago I found out my horse lesson trainer was moving to Texas to be with her significant other. I can’t blame her for that. And then I had a sudden energy drop from the chemo that pushed me to decide that December is my last month for leasing my precious Dill. It broke my heart to do that. I was devastated. I was in constant tears.
I yelled and screamed at God that hadn’t he taken enough from me? Hadn’t he removed enough from my life with everything I had been going through? And it wasn’t a financial decision to stop my lease but an energy decision. I just didn’t have the energy for the hour and half round trip to see him. I was going to bed so early due to the exhaustion. I just didn’t have the physical ability to go out and see my precious horse. It seriously broke me to make that decision and it still does. But I know it was and is the right choice.
But wow did I yell and scream at God. Hadn’t I been through enough to now lose the one thing where I forget I am sick? The one thing where I forget about my daily fight against my own body. To say I was throwing temper tantrums is an understatement. I was the petulant little child refusing to accept what Daddy is saying is best for us.
Then yesterday something peculiar happened. I was at Kiddo’s horse lesson with another trainer and found out that yesterday was the last time we would have lessons. The trainer is making decisions that are hard to make but needed to be made. And the result is no more lessons for Kiddo.
And the first thing I saw was a door opening in front of me. Suddenly kiddo and I are unbound to any horses. God has cleared the path for something amazing to come in. I can see and anticipate a present sitting there for us. I do not know what it will be. But now I am like a little kid sitting and waiting for Christmas day to open the present. I have no idea what it might be but I am sure it will be perfect. I just have to wait till God says it is time to open the present.
For a month I have been crying out for a sign that I am on the right path. That I am doing what I need to do. I have asked for an angel to come down and tell me I will make it through this battle of mine. And of course no angel has showed up. However, there is an open door in front of me. And it is a huge open door. And it has filled me with joy and peace.
I am sure some think I am just looking for things. But the coincidence of all of these things falling at the same time is so small. This is how God works. He clears the path before us. And it isn’t always in the way we expect or hope. However, it is clear for Him to work now. And now I need to just be patient and wait for the unveiling time.
I am being just like that little kid though. I am picturing all the options. A big happy horse, two horses so kiddo and I can ride together, a perfect barn, a unicorn… So am I being realistic? Maybe not but I am a bouncing little kid sitting at my father’s feet waiting for the gift. And for right now, I need that desperately. I need that joy and peace. I need to know that the path is in the hand of someone who knows better than me. I need to know that everything is being taken care of.
And so here I sit.