So one doctor says a few months to a few years to live. Now with the results that I am starting to see from the chemo, my RN at the oncologist says she has seen some go for 10 to 12 years, but those are the exception to the rule. I am 37 years old. How is it that I am staring down this barrel? How is it that I find myself in this position?
None of these are good enough options for me. I don’t want to die. Put simply, I do not want to die. I don’t want to be fighting for my life on this scale. I want to be able to enjoy my life without this huge anvil sitting over my head, ready to drop at any point. It is something hard to come to grips with. For the past 2 ½ months I have been having one trial after another thrown at me on top of the scary barrel in my face.
One security blanket after another has been ripped away from me. There is not much I can do to help my odds besides do what the doctor says. I do what they say. I take my medicines; I try to give my body good energy to work with. I try to keep my spirits up. But if I am honest, it is getting tough to do that. It is tough to know the odds aren’t in my favor. But then again the odds haven’t been in place right for me to be where I am. The odds of me being in this place with cancer at my age and family history is so small. But here I am.
So when I reach out to others for support, one in particular gives me bible verses of God promising health and healing. I fight to hold those in my mind. I fight to keep them in my mind’s eye as the promises to hold. He said brilliantly to me today “Whose report do you believe? The Doctor’s or the promises from God?” And there are times, many times when it is hard to believe that God will heal me. I wish he would send me something saying I will survive this. But is this where trust comes in? Is this where I have to fight and believe that He will do what He has said to others?
This is hard. This is so terribly hard. I want to know for certain that I will be repaired back to a functioning body. I want to know that this fight will have some fruit. I keep asking for the blessings that Job received for holding the faith through his trials. I keep praying for extra angels to come my way for when I am weak like I am right now. I keep praying for blessings.
And I have seen many blessings. I have seen so many blessings. I can’t even count the blessings that have come my way. They bring tears to my eyes to see these things that I could not have asked for. And for that I am so thankful.
This is just the toughest thing I have ever done in my life. Absolutely the toughest thing. And I am ready for it to be in the past. But that isn’t where I am right now.