My heart has been doing better. I haven’t been as upset. However Christmas Eve and Christmas have been torture. I do not think I felt this alone even going through a divorce. When Kiddo is with others and no one is around, I am a wreck.
And the hardest part is that I thought I was doing better. I thought I was moving on, but these two days have made me severely question that. This year there was nothing under the tree for me. This year, there was no one holding me or trying to find that time to be with me. This year I was alone.
I feel like I have taxed my friends too much. I feel like there is no one to turn to. I am just alone. Horribly, terribly, alone.
There is no joy in a season I typically love. There is no happiness at it. It is all tinged with this horrible sense of being an island that even the birds don’t fly to. Of a place where even plants won’t grow. There isn’t even any sand or wind. It is just a flat sheet of rock that the water seems to want to flow away from.
I want to be better so much. I want the pain and tears to stop. I want to move on. So desperately I want to but I don’t know how. Please someone tell me how.