Grumble and Gripe and then Hope

Grumble, Gripe, Complain.

How’s that for an introductory sentance?  Tell you where my mind is?  This past week has been rough and in ways I was completely unprepared for.  Right now I am wallowing in self-hatred, self-abuse, and just feeling miserable.  I took so long to write about it because I hoped it would pass however, I think blogging will be required to get it out of my system.  (It is amazing how writing something out on the net can clear up the mind and spirit!)

On Tuesday I had my chemotherapy port removed.  I was the only person skipping into the surgery room.  I was laughing and happy and telling the nurses how awesome it is to have this done.  I was happy all day.  It is the tangible sign that I am done my bout with cancer.  It is a sign of how far I have come in 11 months.  And justifiably I was estatic to be done with it.  However on Thursday when I got to take my bandage off, the sight of the scar sent me into a terrible downward spiral.

I have never had a good self image.  I am over weight, I need to exercise and take better care of myself, and I am planning to start working on that through a cancer study that starts in 2 weeks.  However, having another visible ugly scar just made me feel uglier then the Hunchback of Notre Dame.  I cried most of the night.  I have scars all over my abdomen and now I have a fresh one on my shoulder.  It is one that I see every time I look at myself in the mirror.  The surgeon did a great job, nods to him.  However I am so distraught over this new scar.  It is another thing added to my perceived ugliness.

I want to curl into the corner of my bed and never come out.  I want to not exist in this manner any more.  I hate looking into the mirror. The level of my self hatred surprised me.  It still surprises me.  I am avoiding mirrors, I am not wanting to go out so that people can see me.  I want to forget everything for a week.  But as a single mom that is beyond impossible.

Throw in all that stuff plus being extremely exhausted.  I can not remember when I have been so tired before.  It is horrible!  Throw in that kiddo is having a major hormonal swing that is driving me batty to deal with.  Throw in struggling with the ex husband.  Throw in trying to work and failing miserably at it.  Mix it all up and you have one very unhappy person.  You have a person that can’t figure out which way is up.

I am pushing people away.  I am poking at sleeping bears.  I am being overly sensitive.  I am miserable.  And heck, I do not like myself right now.  I can’t stand being around myself, why would others want to be around me?  I am not pleasant to be around.

I try to find the positives.  I try to remind myself that I am done with this nasty stuff.  I try to remind myself how far I have come.  I try distracting myself so that my brain can get a break and get onto a different path.  I try to do things that typically make me happy.  But over the past 3 days, none of that has worked.  I am hoping that writing this gripping complaining post will help.

I have been so lucky through everything.  I have seen what wonderful people I have around me.  I have seen God give me blessings anew each day.  I have seen that I am still employed.  I see that my life is moving forward in surprising and exciting ways.  I see this cancer study as a potential huge step into changing my life.  I see great things on the horizon.  I see it all.  I just need this present fog to lift.  It feels almost like 11 months of grief and anger are hitting me all at one time, and maybe that is what is happening.  I am just so angry.  I want this fog to be gone.  I want to be back to the happy, sunshiny me.  I want to be staring at the new landscape my life is.  I want to move away from fear and anger to joy and happiness.  I want to be able to just rejoice in everything.  I have so much to rejoice in.  I have so much to be grateful for.

Yes my body is not what I want to it be but that is my own fault.  I haven’t taken the time or energy to fix it.  I haven’t kept working on my food intake and my energy expenditure.  I have been slowly working on it and am down 10 lbs for it.  However that isn’t even the tip of the iceberg of what I want to do.  This week I am going to start having a new, lower calorie, better for me breakfast.  One change a week.  One change food wise, one change exercise wise.  Nothing crazy drastic.  Just small changes that result in huge changes.  I have no right to complain if I am not doing anything about it.

So maybe the past few days have been my rock bottom of my physical fitness.  Maybe I can move up from here.  I hope.  I hope I can start liking myself more.  Maybe I can stop relying on others for that confirmation and just rely on myself.  That would be a wonderful goal.  And it all begins now.  flower from ash


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