So I have fallen off the horse of optimism. Yesterday saw me running the other way.
Yesterday I met with my GI doctor. She is this sweet, happy lady that is about my age. She looks at me and goes “So you have had an eventful year. We are still wondering why someone your age is in this predicament.” I just shrug and go “I know, right?”
I was meeting with her to schedule my next colonoscopy. This is the one where we find out if everything is clean and happy. We get to find out if all the work from the past year has done its job. This is the one where we get to find out if I have to go through it again.
It is a daunting concept to know that a procedure in two weeks could change everything. I am scared. I am scared of being taken into the little room where they tell the bad news. I am scared of what might result from the potential bad news. I couldn’t sleep last night I was so scared.
But I am scared and planning for stuff that might not happen. As I was kindly reminded last night, I am paying interest on something that hasn’t and probably won’t happen. My brain is fretting over things completely out of my control. I am stressing over things that might not even happen. So how do I stop it?
Cognitive Behavior Therapy or CBT for short is one of my most useful tools. It includes meditation, isolating emotions and calling an Ace and Ace. Admitting what is out of my control and letting it go. Admitting which items of stress are future events that haven’t even occurred and letting them go. Acknowledging that this stinks and move on. And when I admit all of the above, hand it over to God and get back to the daily living. Get back on that horse and ride through my day-to-day life while letting the future be the future.
So while the next two weeks are probably going to be tough, I will get through them. Hopefully I will be able to type about all the good news I get. And until then…
Giddy Up Horsey.