There are many on WordPress that I have had the privilege to “meet” via reading their blogs. Many are in situations similar to mine. They are around my age, they are dealing with cancer and its ramifications on their lives. And from reading their blogs, I have learned one very important lesson.
They all feel the same way I do. They are fighting the fatigue, the guilt of not being up to par, the shame of not being perfect to the outside world. They bravely mention how they hate the time it takes away from family and being wonderful parents, partners and friends. I read of others that find the mask of pretending to be perfect is not worth the effort.
Chemo takes away your strength, energy and so much more in little pieces. Each treatment strips more away. I have reached the point finally where I feel that honesty in how I feel is the only way to respond to questions. I do not have the energy to maintain that facade any more. Before I would put on this fake smile and enthusiasm and pretend that treatments are nothing. I was trying to be perfect to anyone looking in to see me.
But perfection is left for God and God alone. How many times in my life have I tried to pretend to be perfect, to say the right thing, to pretend to only have perfect thoughts. All of this is a lie and providing false witness. And by showing the world only this fake mask, not only am I lying, but I am also making it difficult for others to open up about what they wish they could.
So good bye perfection.