Strength. I have been hearing that term a lot. And many of the times I have heard it has been in reference to me. To be completely frank, I just do not feel that the word fits me.
- the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor.
- mental power, force, or vigor.
- moral power, firmness, or courage.
- power by reason of influence, authority, resources, numbers, etc.
- number, as of personnel or ships in a force or body: a regiment with a strength of 3000.
- effective force, potency, or cogency, as of inducements or arguments: the strength of his plea.
- power of resisting force, strain, wear, etc.
After looking up the definition, I still do not feel that the word fits me. If I was strong, I wouldn’t feel so lost or hopeless. If I was strong, I wouldn’t need so many to lean on. If I was strong I could still work while going through treatments. If I was strong, I wouldn’t need to hermit on my treatment weeks. If I was strong the side-effects wouldn’t be so demoralizing. If I was strong I would be able to walk through this with my head held high and determination in my eyes.
What I am, is one person who is trying to just take the next step. I am a person that is holding life together through duct tape, tears, and fraying strings. I am the person that is trying to do what I can with the path thrust upon me. There is no glory in that. That is what everyone does to survive.
I wish I could say I lean on God so much that He gets the credit. I have faith that He has a plan for this. Some days I think I can see a glimmer of the plan. Other days I think that my life has become a gauntlet of “let’s see what we can throw at her next.” I want to learn to lean on Him like I see others do. There are times in my life where that has been so easy. But right now, right now it is tough. I feel like Job who has one thing after another taken away, but I am not good like Job. I can’t see Satan and God using me as an example. I am just trying to survive the next day, hour, minute, second.
I can’t see ahead. I can’t see the road. Heck I do not even know if I am on the road, a cliff of insanity, a fire swamp, or in lightning sand. I can barely see where my next foot placement goes, and half the time even that is questionable. I do not know if a ROUS (Rodent of unusual size…. Prince Bride references abound in this blog to those that don’t know) is an inch from me. I keep flinching waiting for the next bite, the next hurdle, the next stress to become visible.
I long for the strength I see in others. I long for their unflinching faith in God. I want to be able to say “God has it under His control” and mean it deep down in my heart. I wish to be able to cast my cares on Him and never think twice about them. I do not question His existence or His love. I am just not strong enough to hand everything over and let it go. Maybe I will learn that hard lesson through this, but right now, I just want to rest.
Can I please just rest?