This shell I reside in doesn’t seem to be mine any more. Whoever replaced it, can you please return my original body to me? This shell doesn’t respond how my old one did. I can no longer predict what will happen when I do this or eat that. It doesn’t sleep like I am used to. Not to be gross, but it doesn’t digest like I am used to.
I ponder my old shell this morning after a night where, yet again, I awoke at 2:00AM unable to return to sleep for another hour. This has become fairly common at this point. I can not remember the last time I slept through the night without waking up. There were grand plans I had for today, and now I feel too tired due to this sleep thing.
Besides that, my oncology team are trying to get my digestive system to level out and stop going to extremes. It seems like no progress has been made. It doesn’t matter what I eat, my system does whatever it feels like. I just wish the bipolar dance my intestines feel like playing to would level out a a bit. Any sort of medication, just seems to swing me even farther the opposite way, so I just have to “deal” with it.
My stomach likes to play “what will I allow you to eat today.” It is similar to being pregnant all over again. But with being pregnant you get this beautiful child at the end. I just get to play “let’s look at foods and see if my stomach gives any warning signs to stay away from it today.” I do not know why I bother with different foods though. My tongue seems to only taste salt any more. The rest of the taste buds were not included in this shell.
The cyber-mechanics to my toes and fingers seem to be faulty in the model. Frequently they become numb. Not the pin and needles numb, just not being able to feel. Sometimes this even extends to the tongue or lips. They definitely need to improve this in following models!
And to complain more, my brain. Oh my, I think this is what I miss the most. Chemo-fog is a rough thing. It is like watching your brain slowly drive down the lane as it leaves. I have always prided myself on having a fairly decent intelligence. Puzzles and complex games have been a favorite past-time, but now I find myself relegated to only playing solitaire. I mix up words frequently, forget facts all the time, and have to run ideas past people because I just can’t trust my logic. Whoever designed this shell really should have included a better brain model because I really dislike this one.
And lastly, the newest frustration of this shell is the hot flashes. This past treatment I talked with my Oncologist and she told me why this is happening. I am getting to have a test run at menopause. Lucky me right? I get to find out what it will be like for me in 10-or-so years. Hot flashes. Mood swings. This is one of the side effects they did not inform me of.
So anyone looking for a new shell, I do not recommend this model, it definitely needs some more test runs and alterations.