A note to my daughter

Dear little girl.  Dear darling 8 year old.

I am sorry that you have to walk this journey with me.  I am sorry that you have to watch me struggle through 5-7 days of listlessness, exhaustion and plain just not feeling well.  I want you to still see fairies in the trees, to see gnomes in the garden and me as immortal.  I want for you to see the world through the rose covered glasses that only children can find.

I am sorry!

If I could take the concern and confusion away I would.  However, this is not the path we have been set on.  The path we have found ourselves on is one where we have to labor through the bad weeks and try to catch up on the good weeks.  The path finds us with weekends where we might not do as interesting things as we used to.

But this path has also given me a chance to be that stay-at-home mom I have always desired.  I can put you on the bus and be home when you get home.  I do not have to worry about bringing stress from work home.  Instead of being 100% healthy, I can work on Halloween costumes without rushing, I can get things for fun new crafts.  I can watch your creativity to create new things.  For once, I can volunteer at school to help.  All of these were so limited before this path, and now I can enjoy them.

You make me laugh when I say “I only have ___ treatments left” and then you pout because you want me to keep staying home.  You make me smile when you find blankets to warm my cold-sensitive feet.  You warm my heart when you encourage me to nap because you see that I am tired.

I am proud of how accepting you have been of my limitations.  I am proud that you tried to do the laundry when I couldn’t lift anything after surgery.  I am proud of how brave you have been through this whole journey.

The beauty of it is, that we have gotten time together that otherwise, we wouldn’t have had.  We have gotten closer due to this path.

Love you my little Monster, from your Momster.


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