So my recent silence has a reason. The last treatment was less then a fun one. I have tried to determine why this one seemed to hit so hard. My theories consist of:
- Not resting enough (Just kept getting distracted instead of napping…. SQUIRREL!)
- Not consuming enough food (I am tired of eating….. still mentally shocked at that one)
- External stresses abounded (ah cruel world, decided I needed more character building)
- Night time sleeps were interrupted with non-stop sweats/chills
- Having my treatment start a day later in the week due to the holiday threw off my expectations for each day, which was crazy demoralizing. (On the day when I normally feel better, it ended up being the day I felt worse due to the change in schedule… frustration… demoralization.. downed spirits… horrible spiral)
Just over all it was a rough two weeks! I want to quit this torture that is chemo. Sure it isn’t supposed to be a walk in a park with petals gracefully falling through the air. Yes, we are killing off cells INTENTIONALLY with the hope that the cancer will never come back. But there is no guarantee. And when all of the above is sabotaging your attempt to keep the chin up and the stiff upper lip (insert favorite passé statement here), the stamping of feet, the grumbling and the just general “This Sucks” statement become part of the daily vocabulary.
Now that I am feeling human again, able to laugh at the things going on in my life, and just generally a happier person to be back around, I am looking to ways to make the next 6 treatments (3 months) easier. There are many ways that I can simplify the chemo “feel crappy” week to at least make some of the little annoyances lessened if not made to disappear.
So what am I doing? What brilliant plans have I created that will make the world a safer place for those around me? They are earth shattering, ready to hear them?
- Use disposable plates, bowls, cups, silverware, etc. By the end of the chemo week, my sink looks like a science experiment that could scare off … well… anyone. Now, I am an environmentalist and using one time and disposing makes my eco friendly philosophies scream. But, well, the dirty sink drives me nuts but yet I just do not have the energy to deal with it during that week. So for now, I will damage the environment. Sorry Earth, I have done much in my 35 years to help you, so right now, I am going to be selfish.
- Ask others to cook for me on chemo weeks and deliver meals. This has been a tough thing to pursue. However, if I can’t manage to get the dishes done, imagine my cooking ability. Yeah. Horrible and thus why I probably didn’t eat that well during the last treatment.
- Contact my local Cancer Support group to get the names of local cleaning companies that help out those going through this. Since all this began 5 months ago, my house has been a very low totem pole item and it is getting to me. So maybe having someone come and help me, even if it is only for an hour, will give me the confidence about how the house sits.
- Let myself just state how much this all sucks before I become the volcano I got to this time around. There are times to cry and times to rejoice. So when my body and mind need to admit how much this path isn’t where I wanted to be, then I will let them. Bottling up the steam helps no one and harms all those wonderful people around me.
So they might not be earth shattering ideas, but here’s hoping that it will make my next treatment better… which is.. tomorrow.