The “Thanks” List Battle

In my last post, I talked about the Thanks List I was working on.  How there is positive in all that is going on, and how I want to strive to find those things. 

It feels as if the last 6 days has accepted the challenge of trying to prove me wrong.  From every angle, there were challenges and battles to fight through.  In a matter of days, there was such a range of frustrating things, the Thanks were almost impossible to find.  The challenges ranged from my laptop suddenly failing on me and becoming unusable, to fighting with my short term disability insurance, to dealing with other personal matters which are not part of this blog. 

Tuesday and Wednesday, I was completely dejected.  The silver lining seemed to have tarnished and deteriorated away.  The waterworks seemed to have the ability to show when least expected or least desired.  Since I am one of those unlucky persons that starts crying when angry, I had the opportunity to display this trait during those days.  It is like the body is trying to wash the frustration and anger out with the tears, but typically just causes me to become more frustrated and embarrassed as well.  So at one point I was hiding in a corner at Barnes and Nobles trying to pull myself together. 

But there were two items that really pulled me out of the tear inducing, foot stomping grumbling.  First was talking to my Knight.  As always, his quiet calm way helped me to calm down from what was definitely an overreaction. He let me see that someone understood why I was grumbling but also let me just vent in a flurry of words and emotions.  And with the venting, my brain could process what was going on, where previously was just a ball of confusion in my brain.  The reality verses the over reaction became much more visible.  Reality is definitely a lot easier to handle then the emotional overreaction!

The second was the gift I had given my little girl for her birthday.  I (semi-selfishly) had provided her with Mother-Daughter horseback riding lessons.  We go to lessons on my off-chemo weeks, every other week.  So on Wednesday, I got to curry and tack the horse, Tristan, the stable provides me.  I lovingly call him “The grumpy old man-horse” as he can be cantankerous. I spent my half hour prepping him while Kiddo prepped hers, and then we got to ride for 30 minutes.  Since we are learning English style riding, we are learning how to post on and off lead.  It takes all your concentration to learn something like this.  But there is something therapeutic about being on the back of a horse.  To feel the graceful movements of such a magnificent creature washed away the frustrations from the previous two days.  The world is you and the horse, and that is all that matters for that time. 

After my talk with my Knight and after the horseback riding lesson, the world seemed more aligned with where it should be.  The black clouds were there, but they were the size they should be, rather then my amplified and distorted version.  The path forward through these difficulties seemed feasible and possible to walk. 

My laptop, which had locked up so tightly that a hard restart wouldn’t work, started working once the battery had finally drained itself.  This was after 6 grueling hours of talking to the warranty company and the Microsoft store I purchased it from.  They had claimed it was a lost cause and I would be without it for over 2 weeks while it was repaired!  But when I plugged it back after an hour of dead battery status, it was suddenly working.  To have it suddenly operational again was like the Light of Heaven was shining all around and the world was looking up. 

The insurance issue will probably be an ongoing battle for the next two weeks, but it suddenly started moving.  Between my HR person and my hospital’s disability group, I know the insurance company will start moving as well.  Yes it was scary and is still scary that it isn’t 100% resolved, but it is moving.  The Light of Heaven might not be shining yet, but it isn’t this dark cloud of despair any more. 

Is my Thanks List as complete as I was hoping at this point of the week?  Nope.  But do I have more things to add to it due to the frustrations over the past few days?  Yep, and maybe that is what matters most.  

My buddy Tristan



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