When I think back to April when the news hit my ears that I had a mass in my large intestine, my mind remembers all the feelings of shock, mortality, fear, and why. During the past 4 months I have had to deal with all of those feelings.
At the age of 34 (now 35), the question of how this happened is a constant reoccurrence in my mind as well as from people that hear of my plight. “Does it run in the family?” “What were the symptoms?” “How did you catch the problem?” These questions seem to be the first that all ask. No, it does not run in my family. Actually my family has managed to be “lucky” where the word cancer is. The symptoms were only one small one, some blood where it shouldn’t be. And yes I ignored it for much longer then I should have. But to my defense, I am young. The odds were not in favor of it turning out like this.
The “typical” age for this type of cancer is over the age of 50, thus the recommendation for colonoscopies when someone turns 50. Typically this is something that runs in the family. So far, the odds were not in favor for “having cancer”. So when I got the news of the mass, and then the confirming news two days later that it was cancer, I was in complete shock. Shock might not have even been the right term, it is not strong enough. For the next 5 days, I sat on pins and needles as test after test was done. The odds were already not in my favor to be in this position, so Stage 4 seemed completely possible and terrifying. What would happen to my darling child? How would I be able to provide for her if I am not here? These are horrible things to have to ponder and are completely devastating. Then I got the great news that I wasn’t Stage 4 cancer. (Now Stage 4 does have chances for curing, but as a single mom, the number “4” was terrifying to say the least.)
This is when the word “Why?” kept coursing through my brain. Why would God allow this to happen? Why do I have to go through this trial? Why does my child have to watch me go through this? Why do I have to see the fear in the eyes of my Knight? Why do I have to put my family and friends through the stress and fear? But I kept coming back to “Why God, Why?”
So many nights and days were filled with that question running through my brain. Tears of course came with the questions. I even yelled at God, asking what I had done to deserve this path. And for a while, I could not hear anything. All I could hear was my pain.
But why does that question have to be a bad thing? Why does it have to be that being mad at God means a loss in faith? Personally I think, God respects the honesty. To bottle it up and not acknowledge your lack of happiness at the current situation, is basically to lie to yourself and God. So the release of the pain, the offering of it to God is probably the most honest conversation with Him that you can have.
Is it an easy conversation? Heck no! Did I get a clear answer as to why? No, not yet. But I am starting to get hints. One of these is the reason for this blog. Perhaps I can help others going through similar things. Perhaps I can give hope to those struggling with similar issues. Perhaps I can provide hints of ways to “deal” with it. But also I have heard of many others getting tested when before they were putting it off. So perhaps I am going through this so others do not.
Do I still ask why? Of course I do. Am I happy with the course I am on, not necessarily. But at some point I hope to have peace with this whole circumstance. And with that peace will come acceptance. For now though, I will be happy with where I stand. Some days are good, some days are not so good. But there is always hope. Hope for something grander than the current suffering. Hope that this will all be worth it on the other side. Hope that God will use this for good beyond what I can comprehend. And that, that is something I can hold on to.